Let's Talk About It: Relationship Edition

I recently received an email I would like to share with y'all. I will post my thoughts on the topic after the passage (which is in red).

Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?

Is Your Relationship Worth Saving It's never easy to put your relationship under a microscope but at some point you have to. You have to be realistic about the pros and cons of staying in or getting out .

It's never easy to put your relationship under a microscope but at some point you have to. You have to be realistic about the pros and cons of staying in or getting out. Think about these three steps and answer honestly.

Step one, Do you feel that the relationship makes you a better person than when you are single? If you can honestly say that you are a happier person with your current relationship and that you have a brighter outlook on things then that is a good sign. You always want to be in a relationship that compliments your own personality. If on the other hand you find that you are constantly second guessing yourself and you notice your friends don't want to be around you as much then you may want to get out. You can't be truly happy if you can't share your relationship with the other people you care about.

Step two, Do you look forward to the time you spend with your mate? If you are eager to see your mate and you can't wait to talk to them, then you are doing really well. Wanting to be around each other is a major thing to keep any relationship alive. But if you dread the thought of seeing them or if you cringe at the sound of their voice then you need to get out. If you can't stand the sound of your mate's voice then you can't want to be around them much.

Step three, Can you see yourself with this person through the good times and the bad? If you can make it through say the death of a close family member and they are supportive and caring, you got a winner. You want to have your mate there for moral support and so you know you aren't alone. If on the other hand they tell you to suck it up or that's life, you need to move on and find someone who will be there for you emotionally. Your mate should always be the shoulder that you cry on when you need to cry.

Just because you may hit some bumps in the road and things might not always look so rosy doesn't automatically mean that you won't work it out. As long as you are realistic with yourself and your mate, you will be able to work on making things better between you. If you can rationally weigh the good and the bad in your relationship and find that the good far surpasses the bad, then you will be able to save your relationship with a little work and understanding.

My Thoughts on this.

I commonly hear people (especially gay men) say they want to be in a relationship, or that they they are looking for love. The thing that bugs me about this is that they say they want love, but it doesn't seem like they are willing to put in the work to obtain and keep it. To me it's the same thing as saying you want to be rich, but yet not doing any work to make it happen. Unlike with money, love doesn't have a lottery. Sites like M4N, or A4A are not like playing powerball at your local 7-11. In fact you are more likely to win the lottery than to find true love on those sites. Love is hard work! There are no short cuts, magic potions, or universal "How-To" guides that you can reference to. Think of being in a relationship as if you are a doctor or lawyer. In those professions you never stop obtaining knowledge or educating yourself. That's why they are called "practices". In a relationship you should never stop "practicing" becoming a better you for the sake of yourself and your partner. People grow, gather new interests, and develop new habits. That's just a fact of life. Where we fail in relationships is we usually keep our partner out of the loop. We change ourselves without involving them into the equation, and before you know it you are strangers in your own home.



There are basic elements that a relationship needs in order to survive. Just like we need air, water,food and shelter to live, relationships need communication, honesty, trust, and understanding to make it. On the surface these things seem like easy to follow common sense laws to holding any kind of relationship, but when a relationship fails it is guaranteed that one of these laws was broken and that's why it ended. The element or "law" that is broken usually right at the start of meeting someone is honesty. It is much easier to be a liar than to be truthful. Think about how many times you've met someone you like and you told them something about yourself that was a straight up lie, but you said it in hopes they would like you more. We have all done it, but the problem is if a relationship develops you can't keep up the lie forever. So when you start being who you really are, and that person realizes it doesn't match up with the person they fell for then they feel deceived and they leave(as they should). KEEP IT REAL! That's not just a slogan for the street, it should be your mantra in life. Be real with yourself and others.



The next big relationship killer...Communication. To me this is "THE BIG ONE". If honesty is the brain of a relationship, communication is no doubt the heart. Men (especially us black men) are afraid to share our feelings, our thoughts, and our opinions with our partners. I have seen so many relationships end simply because one person wasn't aware of the other one's feelings. As much as we would like to be, we are not mind readers. In my relationship I bring up everything that is on my mind, no matter how uncomfortable the topic. It may be undesirable, but it is vital to talk about key important issues. Try creating hypothetical situations to see how your partner feels about that particular issue. Not to long ago I created a "Is It Cool" sheet for my partner to answer. On this list I created some pretty outrageous hypothetical scenarios, but all of them grounded in reality. As I mentioned before we as humans are constantly changing and still being the young man that I am I take into consideration that I am changing at a much faster rate than my partner, who is pretty done with the major changes he will go through in his life.



The point I am trying to drive home is that relationships are hard work. You not only have yourself to consider, but another person as well. Sometimes there are going to be personality clashes. The things you have to ask yourself is if they are worth the work it takes. Are you getting what you need from the relationship? Are all the "laws" being followed? Is the good far outweighing the bad? Do you honestly love them? Can you picture your life without them? If you can answer these questions in a positive way then you got a winning relationship. For those of you not in a relationship, just remember the laws and know what you are truly looking for. Be prepared for the work it takes to obtain and maintain a healthy relationship, and you should be fine.