Soundtrack To My Life


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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Worst of the Evils: Vol.2


Situation 1

Your friend and his partner have broken up not too long ago, maybe within the last year. You have always had an attraction for your friend's partner but you would never "go there" due to the fact this is your friendship and you value it alot. One day out of the blue your friend calls you and tells you that his ex wants to have sex with you, and he (your friend) wants to watch.
What do you do?

A) HELL YEA! I always wanted to hit that ass!
B) HELL TO DA NAW! Y'all some freaks!
C) I can't do that, You my best friend man, it's not cool
D) I like your EX and prefer to do it one on one.

Situation 2

Your friend and his partner have broken up not too long ago, maybe within the last year. You have always had an attraction for your friend's partner but you would never "go there" due to the fact this is your friendship and you value it alot. One day you tell your friend about you being attracted to his ex. He says its cool if you want to "go there", and won't be upset and y'all still will be the best of friends.
What do you do?

A) No, I'm still not going to date my friend's ex, that's not cool.
B) I will "date" my friends ex now that I have his okay.
C) I would simply fuck my friends ex to cure my curiosity, then I would act like it never happened
D) I wouldn't even mention to my friend I had an attraction to his ex.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Rules of the Game: ArticleBy Roger Pebody

This is an article Larry sent me today, I found it very interesting and wanted to share.


HIV-positive gay men who have unprotected anal intercourse think of themselves as being in settings where ‘everybody knows the rules of the game’, but these understandings are not shared by all gay men, report Barry Adam and colleagues in the November 2008 issue of Culture, Health and Sexuality. Tacit miscommunication, faulty assumptions and differences in decision-making processes are all extremely common, and this raises questions of how to develop HIV prevention messages for specific micro-cultures, they write.

The researchers from the University of Windsor and the AIDS Committee of Toronto conducted in-depth interviews with 34 men who have sex with men. All men reported that their sex was unprotected most or all of the time, although there was one respondent who did maintain consistent condom use, with some difficulty. Ten of the men were HIV-negative, and the rest HIV-positive. The interviews focused on unprotected sex, and examined “the narrative sequences, verbal and nonverbal communication and tacit decision rules” surrounding the practice.

In common with many other studies, the researchers found that many HIV-positive respondents expressed a strong desire to avoid passing on their HIV infection. One respondent said: “I don’t want to put anyone through what I went through when I found out I was positive”.

Whilst the HIV-negative respondents had very little to say about disclosure “as they have the luxury of experiencing it as no problem”, the HIV-positive respondents discussed their dilemmas at length. Direct, explicit discussion ran the risk of hostility or of derailing a potentially pleasurable experience. Instead, the men dropped hints and picked up clues. Whilst these hints might be easy for other HIV-positive men to understand, they might not always be self-evident to men who are less in the know.

Indirect disclosure remained common when cruising online, sometimes thought to be a setting that encourages disclosure of HIV status. Many respondents were reluctant to tick the 'HIV-positive' box on their profile, because it appears on a publicly accessible page.

One HIV-positive respondent took the view that all HIV-negative men would be happy to openly declare their status, which implied for him that anybody whose status was left undeclared would in fact have HIV. He commented: “I’ve always assumed that someone who was negative would see that, like they would kind of figure it out”.

Other respondents thought that ticking 'safe sex only' clearly indicated having HIV, because it suggested that precaution was needed. Furthermore, once a 'safe sex only' man had established that his partner was positive too, unprotected sex could become a possibility.

Given the risks and complexity of disclosure, venues such as saunas and sex-clubs were attractive to men with HIV precisely because disclosure was not perceived to be expected. The same respondent who was quoted above on his desire to avoid transmission also discussed going to a sauna: “Disclosure wasn’t as much an issue because everybody is kind of there having sex and some people disclose and some don’t, but there’s not as much pressure to sort of have to deal with it”.

Moreover the researchers describe 'taken for granted rules of conduct' described by a sub-set of the respondents. For example, discussing saunas, several HIV-positive respondents expressed the view that: “If they start to fuck you [without a condom], you probably figure, well, unless he’s an idiot, he’s probably positive himself.” However none of the HIV-negative interviewees mentioned this presumption.

Moreover, several positive men described non-verbal interactions where a failure to introduce a condom or to halt a penetration is understood as informed consent. One said : “Well you start doing it, if they don’t stop, then you keep going”.

Another described an interaction: “When he pulled like the lube out, he put a couple of condoms on the table. So I was given the choice… However, we never actually discussed condoms and as the sexual encounter progressed, we just kind of took it at the silence of not saying anything about it and that it’d be okay and or it was going to happen”.

These men articulated a worldview in which all present were adults who fully understood the risks they were taking. The researchers write that the men’s rhetoric “draws on a particular mix of individualism, personal responsibility, consenting adults and contractual interaction”. Their ‘rational’ accounts of the reasons why a man may be willing to have unprotected sex with a casual partner do not take into account a host of other potential reasons such as condom and erection difficulties, recreational drug use, momentary lapses, trade offs, personal turmoil and depression.

The researchers stress that the HIV-positive respondents wanted to avoid HIV transmission. However they perceived themselves to be in settings where their prospective sexual partners would have the same assumptions and understandings of what was going on. Different micro-cultures exist within the larger population of men who have sex with men, and Barry Adam writes that “the meeting of men carrying these divergent visions of the sexual game plan can create situations of high risk for HIV transmission”.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Bound By Gayness


If I must say the one thing I don't like about my life since I am now out of the closet sort of speak is the fact that all my friends and close associates are either gay, bi, bi-curious, or just plain confused. I am trying to think do I have any straight MALE friends anymore, and I can't think any. I have guys at the job I'm cool with, but I haven't announced to them I'm gay, because for one it shouldn't matter, and two its not an aspect of my life I feel I need to shout from the mountain tops. I don't go around with it on my business card like it's a slogan... "Shawn Benjamin...gay since 1998". I am at a point if someone were to ask me I would tell the truth. One of my friends at work who I have really gotten cool with always ask about "my wife" (because I were a band on my finger), and I want to tell him so bad I don't have a wife, but I am married, just to see if he catches on. The thing about gay man, straight man relationships is that they are so damn complicated depending on the men involved. It seems like if I do get to know a straight guy as a chill buddy or whatever and I tell them I'm gay they either slowly disconnect themselves from me, or slowly try to get with me. Their is no gray area, purely black and white.

My family has arrived to a point that everybody I introduce them to is most likely gay or lesbian. This saddens me. Just because I am gay doesn't mean I only want gay people in my life. I was talking with my best friend about this troubling fact in my current life, and he said this will change as I get older. As I continue to mature and meet more mature minded people that my sexuality won't be an issue. I will have friends of all walks of life. I hope this does come to be. I don't want to be bound to my friends by gayness. I don't want those in my life who are NOT gay to be gay by association. I just want to be a regular guy with regular friends. Is that to much to ask?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Hearing (The Final Human Sense)


Now to conclude the first volume of my "Human Senses" series I want to talk about the last sense, sound. What role does sound play when it comes to sex? I have yet to fully understand, but as usual I would like to stat out with a story. I was kicking it with this guy that from the sight of him you would think would be a very passive guy in the bedroom. He didn't have much "flavor" or "swagger" to his personality, and to be honest was kind of too soft for my taste. Needless to say I wanted to see if my assumption was accurate so I decided to take him for a test drive. I was seriously wrong about this man. Sexually he unleashes the beast...literally. You see, ol' boy was a screamer. I mean Mariah Carey hiitting high notes screamer. And he talked so much shit, I didn't know whether to be turned on, or laugh my ass off. I end up doing the latter. He was a screamer, a moaner, a groaner, a roarer, and a shouter. I mean for a second I thought I was in bed with a damn Tiger. It was crazy, and it didn't do anything for me. Those types of sounds never did anything for me.

I do however believe that sound plays a critical role in sexual interaction. Think about it, don't you love hearing that slapping sound as you hitting some good ass just perfect? Or the slurping and smacking a good blow job delivers? Sometimes sound alone can intensify an orgasm. I can speak from personal experience that when I hear that perfectly pitched "baby I'm cummin'" from my dude it's not long before I am painting the walls white myself. Sounds can also have the opposite effect during sex. As with the story above, or more commonly for me the sound of porn. This may sound crazy coming from a guy that owns over 600 porno moves, but porn irritates the hell out of me. I mean the constant barrage of fake moans, and "YEA NIGGA" or if for some strange reason it's a whiteboy in the scene "Give me that black cock!" gets on my last nerve. I must watch porn with the sound muted. If I don't it becomes just a regular movie with bad dialogue. Like watching a Sci-Fi channel movie or something. No sound during sex is probably the most ego damaging thing there is though. Imagine you working your ass off to satisfy someone, and they just laying there emotionless, no making a peep. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words ever can. To me that's saying. "Nigga, you wack. I could have had a V8".

So what do y'all think? How important is sound during sex? As usual leave your comment as thanks for reading.

My Moment of Madness: I done lost my damn mind


What is addiction? Addiction is defined as a "Psychological and bodily dependence on a substance or practice which is beyond voluntary control". There are many different types of addiction, and I think everyone has one. I could be wrong though. I know for a fact that I do. I am a shopping addict. This is self diagnosed so I could be wrong. All I know is whenever I have a nice sum of money, I feel I just have to spend it or I get "the itch". I really only buy shit that interest me though, which questions if I am an addict or not. I would think a shopping addict would buy any and everything there is to buy. I tend to blow a ridiculous amount of money on electronics and games. Last week I hit a new low (or reached rock bottom, how ever you want to say it). I spent close to $700 dollars on games....GAMES! I came to my senses two days later when I looked at my bank account and saw that it was nearly drained. I said to myself this shit is going back RIGHT NOW, and not only did I get my money back, but ever since I been on a selling spree selling everything that hasn't been used in the last year or so. Now I'm on my cheap man shit. I haven't spent any unnecessary money this week (other than buying an expensive as turkey sandwich), and I am pretty proud of that. I don't know what came over me. To be honest with y'all I don't even play games that much any more because I don't have time, but I love to collect them. I think there is nothing wrong with spending money, but only IF YOU HAVE IT. I have student loans to payback, Rent to pay, a car that needs a transmission, and of course I gotta eat. Meanwhile my dumb ass going crazy on Amazon.com buying shit. I'm not an addict, I'm just crazy as hell and had a moment. Now I'm back to life. The wallet is on love lockdown.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Bottom


There is a discrimination crisis going on within the black gay community. Actually there are several internal discriminatory issues within the bgc, but there is one in particular that has me puzzled, and slightly troubled. Why don't the openly bottom boys get any love anymore? I mean I hear alot of TOPS say "man, I don't fuck wit btm niggas, I like them vers niggas" When I ask why I get the same answer... bottom boys are just to damn fem. Why in 2008 is there still a stigma on being a bottom? Is it because it goes against everything we are raised to believe about being a man. Black men are supposed to strong, and any signs of weakness are forbidden. So therefore a man that willfully classifies himself as a bottom must mean he's weak, soft, a punk, a girly man, etc. Being an ATL resident I find this extremely puzzling. I personally know so many self proclaim TOPS that take more dick than even the biggest bottoms out there. And this seems to be the norm. I hear so many stories about men posing as Tops in their A4A or M4N ad, but when it's time to get busy they the first ones to spread their legs. I believe there is still a stigma that if you a bottom then you a woman...period. Afterall, bottoms are usually much more flamboyant, feminine, and visibly more clockable than tops. I personally know alot of bottoms that when it comes to online dating classify themselves as vers. I guess in their eyes this makes them more masculine then staying true to their role as bottom. I am not afraid to say that I get penetrated , and trust me when I say I am far from being a fem bot. Then again I'm not a true bottom either. I mean I got a pipe I love to use frequently. Does this fact add to my masculinity? What if I decided to no longer put my dick in a nice ass? Would that banish me to a lifetime in femworld, usa?

Further more I have discovered a new type of bottom that I didn't know existed until just a few years ago. The really masculine bi-sexual brothas that only use their dicks on pussy, but they love being fucked down themselves. I even heard some of these guys say they sometimes have their girl put on a strap-on and let their girl fuck them. This is some crazy ass shit, but hey who am I to judge. Me personally I think labels are stupid. To me you are what you are AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME. Meaning if you label yourself a TOP, but when you with me you bottom, then I'm gonna see you as a bottom because that's what you are at that moment. Living in ATL, if I were to believe all these brothas that label themselves a TOP were being honest then that would mean this city... the blackest, gayest city on planet earth has ZERO bottoms. Glad that isn't true... if it was I would have to date the whiteboys :) I'm kidding.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Worst of the Evils: Vol.1


Situation 1

You and your partner start a life together. You buy a house, everything is in both y'all names, etc. One day you come home early from work and notice an unfamiliar car in y'all driveway parked along side of your partner's car. You walk in the house only to discover them knocking boots on y'all bed on top the the quilt your grandma hand stitched and slaved over to make for y'all. What do you do?

A) Go into a rage and try to attack both your partner and his piece?
B) Walk out the room before they see you
C) Join in on the fun
D) Immediately get your stuff, leave and make plans to end the relationship.

Situation 2

You and your partner live in separate houses, but you have keys to each others place which means you can come and go as you please. One day you decide to stop by his place to say hello and notice an unfamiliar car in their driveway parked along side of your partner's car. You walk in the house only to discover them knocking boots in his bed. What do you do?

A) Go into a rage and try to attack both your partner and the other person?
B) Walk out the room before they see you
C) Join in on the fun
D) Tell yourself " It's my fault, I shouldn't have stopped by unannounced"

Situation 3

You and your partner live in separate houses, but you have keys to each others place which means you can come and go as you please. One day you decide to go home for lunch on your lunch break. You get to your house and notice an unfamiliar car in your driveway parked along side of your partner's car. You walk in your house only to discover them knocking boots in your bed. What do you do?

A) INSTANT DEATH TO THEM BOTH!!!!
B) Walk out the house before they see you
C) Join in on the fun
D) Calmly ask them to leave, and end the relationship with your partner.

Jam of the Week: Q-Tip "Getting Up"



I grew up listening to A Tribe Called Quest, and til' this day I believe they are one of the greatest hip-hop groups EVER. When they broke up in 1998 I shed a little tear, because to me it signified that hip hop just became not so special, and I was right. The shit that has been feed to the public for the last 10 years barely qualifies as music, let alone HIP-HOP. When I heard Q-Tip was coming out with a new album after a 9-year hiatus I was equal parts excited and skeptical. After all we are living in an age were Lil Wayne, T-Pain, and T.I. pretty much rule the radio, and all the "old folks" of hip-hop have been forced into retirement. I picked up the album November 4, 2008 and I haven't been able to listen to anything else in the last two weeks. It is simply an amazing album. TRUE hip-hop fans rejoice!!! We now have an album we can call our own. Check out the first single "Getting Up" in the video above. ENJOY!

Monday, November 17, 2008

A New Set of Rules part 1


Being as young as I am, I am what is considered a product of the online era. As such it is no surprise that most if not all relationships I see folks in were developed via the web. One trend I see that is becoming more and more "The Norm" is the concept of open relationships. I have to admit I did not know there was a such thing until I got in the "life". My knowledge of relationships came from my parents and older siblings, which meant two people in a monogamous long term partnership. Nowadays I see folks that have the ground work of a long term relationship, meaning they have chosen to build a life together, but they are free to have sex with whomever they chose. An example of this is... I know a couple that met on A4A (which I thought was impossible given the fact that site is for sex), but even though they are together, each one still has an active profile on A4A, M4N, BGC, and all the other such sites. On top of them having profiles, they both still do "meet and greets" with folks on there. This is mind blowing to me. Their reason is an odd one, they say "why should we stop being on there just cause we together, we met on there". To me this is like getting married and saying why should I stop dating, I met you by dating. It makes no sense.

Another thing I see is what I call a new set of rules. The Internet age has created some interesting terms of agreement, and has changed the concept of the "traditional relationship". Having men perform sex acts on cam for you, having an online "friendship" with men you found through a sexually themed website/group, and even couples looking for a third party to be in the actual relationship are now fast becoming acceptable practices. I crafted an entire list of things, situations, and proposals for My mister to see if he thinks those things are acceptable in a relationship. Being that he is old school I wasn't surprised that he said no to majority of the list. Some things I asked were is it cool for me to have an active profile showing my dick and ass. He said hell no. I asked if it was cool for me to have cam to cam (or c2c) with someone. He said hell no. I asked if flirting with some hot guy at a party or wherever okay. He said hell no. I ran this list by one of my buddies who is in one of these new age relationships, and he said he and his partner do these things all the time and its no big deal. Now I consider myself new old school. Meaning I am old fashioned when it comes to the foundation and value of my relationship. But I am new school when it comes to some of the rules. For example, when I went away to college in South, GA I told my guy he has my permission to get him some ass until I get back. He didn't take me up on my offer, but I was a realist and said I rather us talk about it, versus him feeling guilty for cheating.

This is a topic that I can write on and on about, but it's late so I will pick this up again soon.

Best Screen Name EVER!!!!


BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK

That was my yahoo screen name before I met Larry. That screen name became so legendary that it became a burden to live up to. I remember coming home from work, and would have about 50 new emails...and that was on a SLOW day. I gave birth to that screen name one day in 2001 in Harrisburg, PA. I wanted a name that both described what I was offering as well as be a bold attention getter. IT WORKED like a charm. On top of that I had my dick pic to accompany the screen name. That screen name got me alot of free dinners, but like I said the name came with alot of burden. I know now that All I WAS to brothas was DICK. Nothing but DICK. Doing my time as BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK (2001-2003) I must have had 100 "meet and greets". I got a Playstation 2, countless dinners, DVDs, and airline tickets from that screen name. But as alot of celebrities say...it's lonely at the top. All these guys liked BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK, they didn't give a damn about Shawn B. in some cases they didn't even know Shawn B. existed. I guess it would be like going to dinner with a actor or porn star. All you know is the character they portray, and in most cases that's all you would want to know.

With all that said I did have fun as my alter ego. Being BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK helped me grow much more comfortable being gay. It gave me ALOT of sexual practice allowing me to become the sexually skilled individual I am today. And it gave me the knowledge to know when a nigga is full of shit. I become much more aware of myself and people, and how to play the "gay game". I buried BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK the day Larry committed himself to me. I threw my alter ego a going away party that consisted of me jacking off on cam with some of my yahoo buddies. So if you see someone with that screen name, he is just a copy. I AM (WAS) THE REAL BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK

Smell


It’s time to talk about the smell sense for a minute. As usual I’d like to start off with a story.
I was kicking it with this guy awhile ago, and by awhile I mean years ago. One day I was on the phone with him and he wanted me to come over so we could “play”. I mentioned to him I just came from jogging and I need to take a shower and find a way to get over there. He says to me he will come get me, only if I don’t shower. I asked him why he doesn’t want me to shower and he said “because I love the smell of a nigga”. I asked him what does that smell like. He asked me to reach my hands down my pants then smell my fingers…that’s how a man should smell. I thought to myself “a man is supposed to smell like sweaty musty ass balls?!” this is some crazy shit. I myself know I don’t like odors, but if this is what he wanted I would grant his request. He came and picked me up about a hour later. We get to his house and he begins sucking my sweaty, musty, unwashed dick and balls. I felt totally uncomfortable, that “unsure” feeling was heavy on my brain. I knew my balls smelled like I soaked them in onion soup, but that didn’t phase ol’boy one bit. He then turns me around and smells my hole… my sweaty, possibly shitty hole. You would have thought ol’boy just sniffed cocaine, because he was in such a rush he began licking it til’ he came. No I am not joking, this is real talk, he came from licking my sweaty, musty, possibly shitty hole. I asked him what is it about “a man’s smell” he likes because at this point I am totally confused. He said he doesn’t know why but it’s something intoxicating about that particular smell.

As I was trying to mentally recover from having sweat licked from my ass and balls I thought to myself is/was this the normal thing for humans to do in primitive times. I mean before there was perfume/cologne humans were attracted by the natural pheromones given off by a potential mating partner. In fact (according to research I did) it was undesirable to “mask” the natural body smell, and could be seen as offensive back in the olden times. But of course in our modern age, it’s the exact opposite. We (humans) collectively spend tens of billions of dollars making sure we smell as good as possible by buying perfumes, colognes, deodorants, scented oils, etc. So what is it with this small group of folks in the modern age that love natural body smell (odor)? I understand it to a certain extent. I mean I LOVE the smell of my baby's body. I often say I wish I could bottle it, and spray it around the room when he’s not around. But his smell isn’t funky, sweaty, or musty or any of those offensive smells. If I had to describe it it’s like a neutral/new smell. Like when you get a new car or a new comforter, but it is uniquely him.

I was speaking with my best friend who is very sensitive to odors. I told him that story, and I can hear him vomit a little in his mouth. He (my bff) is the type of guy that if you not coming to bed smelling like the men’s cologne section at Macy’s then you don’t stand a chance. If your breathe doesn’t smell like you downed a pack of tic tacs then you might as well not even waste your time. I was telling him about the research I did about some folks liking the aroma of the natural body scent, and he didn’t buy that. He believes they just some damn freaks like “piss boy” I told y’all about. What do y’all think? Is smell critical? What kind of smells do you like your partner to smell like? Do you enjoy “The smell of a man?” Let’s get a debate started

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Quick Update: Cut The Fat


Well it's been two weeks on I think I am doing well on the DIET part of my plan to get in better shape. The EXERCISE part is a sad disappointment though. I have been to the gym just twice in two weeks. I need to do much better than that. My problem is I get ored with the routine. Treadmill warm up, weights, back to treadmill. I got my hands on a copy of that P90X video that I see on late night infomercials. I think begining this weekend I am going to give it a shot. I decidied I won't start weighing myself,because I will obseess and start checking the scale everyday (I know how I am so I don't want to go there.) As allows wish me well, and thank y'll for the encouragement. I surely do need it :-)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

November 4th, 2008: In My Lifetime

I never thought this would happen in my lifetime. As I mentioned before I am not into politics. I am also a guy that doesn't display his emotions. But tonight, like many millions of other Americans, I cried. I cried tears of joy, and I wasn't ashamed. As much as I love America I still believe it is still very much immature. When President Obama first stepped on the political scene I must admit I thought it was a joke. The novelty of a black man (or even a half black man) being president would never happen in our ultra conservative country. Afterall this is the same country that demanded Janet Jackson's head on a stick for displaying a fraction of a seconds worth of nipple. The same country that still believes gays/lesbians/transgenders should be locked away in a mental facility as to not affect the "normal" people. The same country that still put most minority people in a stereotypical box as to clearly keeps us from ever being truly equal. But tonight my faith in my country has been restored. Not only did Obama win, but it wasn't even close. I am not naive to think that racism is dead though. I know it is alive and well, but on this historical night America was able to see Obama not for his color, but for the hope he represents for our nation. As cheesy as this sounds I am proud to be an American! I am proud to have had a hand in making history. I am proud to be part of a generation that embraces change, and breaks down the wall of conformity and tradition. Here's to (what I pray will be) Four great years of change for the USA

God Bless America

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Touch


Now it's time to explore the Touch or Feel sense of humans. Let me start off with a story.

I remember playing basketball with my friends a long time ago when I just a small child in Harrisburg. It was nothing for us to get banged up or bruised on a daily basis, boys will be boys after all. As I was dribbling the ball somehow the ball bounced into my rigid left hand fingers and jammed them into place. It hurt like hell, I could not move them at all because the pain was so intense I would cry. After wearing a finger brace for two weeks I was able to move them again, but I noticed a strange sensation was now present. Whenever I bent my middle and ring fingers they would pop. This was painful, but at the same time it felt good. So til' this day almost 20 years later I bend my fingers to experience that perfect mix of pleasure and pain.

This leads to the question... why do some men like to be fucked in the ass? I know what y'all are saying... it's not just men, alot of women like it too. I know that, but I am focusing on the brothas because it's much more psychological with us. I use to think some of the guys I have been sexual with are crazy. (From what I am told) I am a well above average brotha as far as penis size is concerned, so when I fucked a guy I always had to be careful not to cause any damage. There were alot of guys though that wanted ALL of me in them, and they wanted it RUFF!. I will never forgot this one guy I was with about 5 maybe 6 years ago. He is a true warrior in the bedroom for real. Usually I would have to send the first few minutes of intercourse getting a brothas use to my size...not this dude. He wanted me to RAM it all in on the first try WITH NO LUBE! I looked at his hole expecting to see a black hole that can suck me into its vortex with ease, but I was surprised that he still looked very tight down there (no rosebud at all). I did what he asked and I can see that he was in such intense pain I wanted to stop. I asked him was he ok and his answer is simply classic. He said "I want you to fuck me so hard til' my soul bust a nutt" LOL. I did as he asked and he then went somewhere between torturous pain and unbelievable ecstasy. Within minutes he was cumming from both is dick and his ass, all without touching himself. I had NEVER experienced that before. Remember we used NO lube at all. I thought I was fucking some kind of S&M freak, but he was just a regular bottom that liked ruff fucking.

Before meeting My dude' I was not a fan of the bottom position. Don't get me wrong, I did it, but I just didn't like it. I only did it with the couple of men that I felt emotionally connected to (men who are still in my life by the way). I couldn't see going through what I think is the male equivalent of child bearing with just anybody. If I was gonna sub ject myself to that kind of pain I got to really like the guy, and that means beyond the bedroom. I will never forget the first time I let him penetrate me. His thickness is unreal, and I thought it was no way in hell I was going to be able to take that without elephant tranquilizers and a vicodin for afterwards. But he was so gentle, and got me so relaxed that it went in with relative ease. This is when that feeling of pleasure and pain kicked in, and I now understood way and how bottom brothas can do what they do. From that day on I was now officially a verse brotha. In the what has to be at least a hundred times of The Mister penetrating me, I have now reached the Holy Grail of dick taking. I can now injaculate (not ejaculate). Do a goole search if you don't know what that is.

Why does this pain feel good? I must know. I need to further investigate this so I am asking for my readers to weigh in on this topic. Why do we voluntarily put ourselves through pain to achieve pleasure? Is there an easier way to get the same pleasure? Leave your comments for a brotha.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Doctor's Orders vol.1: Cut The Fat

This past Thursday I had a doctor's appointment for the results of a blood test they wanted to take. The news was not good. She told me that my triglyceride level was really high, especially considering my age. To be honest with you I didn't know what the hell triglycerides were or why they are important, so I asked my doc what does this all mean. In short she says I'm on a fast track to a heart attack if they continue to rise. She told me a normal count should be 150mg or below. Mine is close to 200, which for my age and height is VERY high. She explained what all this meant and basically the bottom line is I need to go on a diet and exercise(which I already knew).

I can't believe it has come to this. As I said in an earlier post, I know I have put on a few pounds since I been in college, but this is serious. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed to get my ass in gear. All my favorite foods such as pasta pizza, and Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches are all coming backing to haunt me. DAMMIT! Why the hell does all the good tasting food have to be bad for you? Why is it so damn expensive to eat healthy. Think about it... a damn apple cost more than a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. What's up with that?! Have you ever seen a broke Vegan or Vegetarian? Me either, and that's because being a vegan or vegetarian requires much more money than being a Whopper loving slob.

I left the doctor's office and immediately started on my diet quest. I went to Kroger and bought about $60 worth of rabbit food. I bought lots of produce, Salmon, and nasty Hippie food such as flax cereal and organic skim milk. I went home to give the Hippie food a try. I made a bowl of flax seed cereal and O skim milk and it taste just like it looked. Like tree bark dipped in white water. I have no choice though. I must get my triglycerides level down, and under control. A friend of mine had a massive heart attack at the tender age of 32, and I don't want that to be me. As usual I will give y'all my progress. Wish me well :)