Mr. SJB Times

So Long So Gone

2010-06-11T18:30:00.001-04:00

Woooooooooowwwww!!!

I can't believe is been over a year and a half since I posted a blog. Well alot of things have happened in that time all of which I will get into in future postings. Life surely has been a roller coaster ride since my last post. Old friends became enemies, new friends replaced old friends, relationships were put to the ultimate test, my faith was tested, family members passed, new family members were gained. Yes 2009-present has been a mixed bag of ups and downs. But I guess that is what makes life so interesting. I must say I am excited to be getting back in the swing of writing for public viewing. I have kept a journal of my thoughts for the last few months. So of those passages I will share, and there are some that are deeply private that I won't share. I know I I have lost whatever little audience I had on blogger. Out of sight out of mind is the general rule in life, so I understand that. Hopefully I will gain them back, as well as new readers. So enjoy.

Mr. SJB is back! And it feels good to be back!

Dating Nightmare Part Two: Hold The Mayo

2009-01-04T19:47:00.000-05:00

As a Top man I have used pretty much everything as lube at one point or another. From Vaseline, to cooking oil, even the good ol' standby SPIT have been used by me with the purpose of fucking some good boy booty. I consider myself an open-minded fella, but this one guy taught me that even I have my limits of tolerance. This guy hit me up online years ago. He was yet another eager fan of BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK and was dying to meet me, so I set it up for later that night. Well I get to the guy's place and when he opened the door I thought I was at the wrong apartment. I mean this guy was not hot to say the least, but I saw that he had a nice ass on him, and a mighty piece of meat too so I decided to go in... I wish I hadn't. The place was a complete nasty ass mess. Dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, black dirt ring around the tub. You name it he had it. Again my eyes wonder back to that big ol' camel ass he was packing and suddenly his housekeeping skills did not matter.

I QUICKLY got down to the nitty gritty and demand him to take his clothes off and lube up his ass. He excused himself so he could do as I instructed him to do. A few minutes later he comes back and gets on all fours so I can hit that thing from the back. When he bent over my smelling sense picked up the aroma of mayonnaise. I thought to myself "Did he prepare a egg salad sandwich while he was gone?" Never in my wildest dreams would I have suspected this nasty ass negro would use mayo as LUBE. I am so serious y'all. The odor I was smelling, that mayo and booty sandwich smell was coming from his hole. My dick died immediately after the revelation. I didn't say a word. I just got up put my clothes on and ran to the car and burned rubber getting as far away from the apt. complex as I could. I later get emails from him saying the usual things that people who have been rejected say. I simply deleted theme and filed him under the pile of crazy ass ATL encounters I had stacked up. I had totally forgot about this until earlier this evening I saw a commercial for low fat mayo. I bust out laughing and my brother was asking me what was so funny. If he only knew.

New Year, New Look, New Format

2009-01-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

Wow, it has been nearly a month since I have posted an actual full fledged post in my blog. I hope you guys missed a brotha while I was gone. A few things have happened since my last post. I celebrated turning 28 years old (as y'all already know), I finished another semester of school (didn't do that great, but that's another story), started what most people would called "resolutions" a bit early this year.I promised myself I would keep on the path of good health, and I am doing well so far. I also did NOT celebrate Christmas this year. There were a couple of reasons the mister and I decided not to do it this year. The big one being we had other responsibilities that didn't allow us to have disposable funds to go Christmas shopping (although we did take advantage of some awesome IKEA deals for ourselves), and the other reason was... to be honest we are sick of the whole material propaganda of Christmas so we decided not to be a part of it this year. I must admit not having to worry about what I was going to get people for Christmas felt GREAT. I should have done this years ago. The mister and I came up with the idea that our Christmas presents to each will be to go on a oversees vacation in the spring time.

Oh, and how could I forget to say this... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!! I hope 2008 was good for y'all and if it wasn't I want to wish you that your 2009 be much much better. I don't make resolutions. I think the concept of waiting until Jan.1st to better yourself is ridiculous. If you come to the decision that you want to make positive changes in your life why not start right then and there at that very moment? Instead what I do is make an "audit" of myself and analyse where I am and where I want to be. I continue on that path until I decide if I should continue or start on a new path. One of those changes I have decided is with this blog and the readers I have come to appreciate. I am still very much a blogging rookie, and when I got the "blog fever" a few months ago I felt that I must blog each and every day, sometimes several times a day. The man that introduced me to blogging (Mr. Thaddus Works) posted something like 400+ entries in 2008, and I thought I had to do that as well. My new outlook is that whenever I have something I want to say that is when I will post. If that is everyday or simply once a month it doesn't matter. I want what I type on these pages to mean something, and to reach people. Not just simply feel I have to put fresh content on here just for the sake of putting new stuff here.

With this new found view on how I will for now on approach blogging comes a new look and format to my page. I still want to keep it simple. No flashy buttons, or glitter, or exploding pictures. I want my page to be a representation of my personality, simple but beautiful. Last year the look and even the description of my page was sooooo overly dramatic. That shadow picture of me, the dark black and blue colors, the title. All of those things did represent how I was feeling. A little uncertain of how to let people see the light side of me. It has always been easier for me to cast off the dark and moody side of me that often repels people from getting to know the real me. The ones that do decide to stay and dig through the hard external dark shell are rewarded with the sunshine of my real self. I wish I could be that way all the time. But the years of building up my dark and moody shell have taken their toll on me. I fear I no longer know how to present the light side of me. This new look of my blog is where I start to try to give the light side of me a chance to shine thru and control the dark side. I want to start to appreciate myself more, and welcome people in. I have to learn that not everyone will abuse my trust.

Welcome the new SJB page, hope you enjoy.

Sour Notes: My Least Favorite Albums in 08'

2008-12-11T15:01:00.000-05:00

I AM...Full of Myself, should have been the name of this album. I love B', but I was bored with disc one, and confused with disc 2. I listened to the entire album twice and couldn't find anything I wanted to put on my Ipod. Come back harder B.

Note to Chris Brown, Ne-Yo, Trey Songz, Lyfe Jennings, Lloyd, Omarion, Marques Houston, Bobby Valentino, Justin Timberlake, J.Holiday, and all other R&B/ Pop kings.... DO NOT GET MARRIED, IT KILLS CAREERS.

Okay, maybe I am a "hater", but does this man really add anything to the musical landscape? Don't get me wrong the boy got some jams that I really like. But after appearing on 16 billion songs it was bound to happen I would like 1 or 2 of them. This profanity laced album doesn't really serve any purpose except to prove that AUTOTUNE is rapidly making the talentless seem like musical geniuses. Speaking of autotune...

WTF Kanye. Know I am all for changing directions, and after "Graduation" it was apparent that he needed to do something very different. I love the first half of this album. "Amazing" ft. Young Jeezy is just that., and "Say You Will" has been on constant rotation on my Ipod., but from track 7 on , this album lost me and never regained my interest. Although I hate autotune, I loved the way he uses it as an expression of his pain. It's real deep, but overall I must say I'm not a total fan of this album. Maybe in time that will change.

Okay, we all knew Badu was crazy, but this album proves that she is out of her damn mind. After a 5 year wait... that's right HALF A DECADE after the very well produced "Worldwide Underground" album, we get this... WHAT THE FUCK!!!

As a long time Joe fan this hurts me to my heart to say this, but this album straight up sucks. I LOVE Bryan Michael Cox as a producer. In fact I think he is one of the best ones alive, but even the best producers should only be used in moderation. The whole time I was listening to this album I was thinking to myself "God, Joe really needs to suck on some throat lozenges cause B. Cox is having him sounding terrible right now". Last year I told everybody that Joe's "Ain't Nothin Like Me" album was probably the most slept on album of 2007. My what a difference a year, a new record label, and an overused producer can make. I love you Joe, but this album is not hitting on nothing much at all. I love "We Need to Roll" but other than that this is an album that would have been a classic.... 15 years ago.

Remember how bad Eddie Murphy's album was? This album makes that look like "Thriller" in comparison. This is without a doubt the WORST ALBUM OF 2008. For a second I thought my alcoholic uncle with a speech disability somehow got a record deal and released an album. It should be noted that all the songs on this album are entirely written, produced, arranged, and mixed by Mr. Howard. and their is a reason for that. No self-respecting writer, producer, or sound engineer would ever come within 10 feet of this debacle. Avoid this album like the plague.

Note to Ms. Jackson: Filling more than 50% of your album with non-sensible skits does not work in today's Ipod World. Oh and by the way your oompa loompa you call your man single handily killed your career by being such a parasite that Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis no longer want to work with you. You without them is like your brother Mike with Quincy Jones, it simply does not make sense. Swallow your pride, get on your knees and beg them for forgiveness, because with your man JD you are 0 for 3.

This is by far the most overrated album of 2008. I am not a hater by any means. I actually like Lil Wayne' and I think he can rap. But this album saw anticipation we haven't seen since 50's first album, and to me was a HUGE letdown. I can name at least 5 Lil Wayne MIXTAPES that are better than this album. I felt the album lacked any real focus, and simply was a whole lot of nothing. I really like "Nothin On Me" and "Phone Home" because I thought they perfectly displayed Weezy's skill as an creative emcee. Songs like "Lollipop" and "A Milli" however were simply saved by the production. I'm not saying this was a terrible album, just a disappointing one.

One Song....One Song is all I can find on this album that I can say I like. I thought TIP was going to come out with something deep to say after all his legal trouble. I thought I was finally going to hear that T.I from the "I'm Serious" album return. But instead what I got was his worst album to date... even beating out the horrible T.I. vs T.I.P. album.

I will cut JHud some slack because of the tragedy see has had to endure this year. All I will say is that the only thing I didn't like about this album was the direction, and production. JHud's voice deserves better. Shame on you Clive Davis for trying to make her into something she's not.

Is it possible to be literally bored to death? If so then Ne-Yo is a murderer, because I was so bored with this album I nearly fell asleep on the highway while listening to it. The album starts off strong with songs like "Closer" and " Single", but soon take a noise dive into the incredibly boring pool and never comes up for air. I really enjoyed the song "So You Can Cry", and as always his song writing skills are unmatched. The problem is Ne-Yo's voice and the production. Ne-Yo at this point isn't even trying to pretend he's not channeling the great Michael Jackson with his voice and harmony arrangement. This has always been my peave with him, and this album is the worst example of that. If you need something to help you get to sleep I strongly recommend this album. It's more potent than an Ambien pill.

Okay to be fair I like this album, but I am still comparing everything he has done to that amazing debut album he released 4 years ago. It's not fair, but dammit after a album like that I expect more. I can't really find anything bad to say though. The production has great variety this time around, and seems like he is okay with not having to depend on the piano to make a great song. He even has a track by Teddy Riley that sounds great. But as I said before the first album was so great that I have no choice but to compare, and this simply doesn't.

Remember how shockingly good the Mimi album turned out? Remember how you thought to yourself "MC is back bitches!" ? Remember hearing "Touch My Body" and thinking her album was going to be the bomb? Well we were right, it is the bomb. A BIG HUGE BOMB, and not the good kind. What the hell happened this time around? I mean the album has no signature MC jams on it. Not even her savior Jermaine Dupri came through with those patented made for radio songs like he did on the last album. To say I was let down would be an understatement. 2008 was their the Queens (Janet, Beyonce, Mariah) let me down. Speaking of which...

The promise huh? Well if the promise was that you would make another classic like the "One Wish" album you made a decade ago then you have come up short...literally. 10 tracks are you kidding me? Don't get me wrong the album is good, but 10 tracks?! This is not the 80's girl. We demand at least 13 songs on an album in the Ipod World of today. To make up for this all you need to do is release 3 FREE tracks to anyone who bought the album, and you would be back in my good graces.

Okay, maybe I am just not hearing it, but what is so great about this girl? My friends were building her up like she was the second coming of Jill Scott, so I picked up the album... FLAT! I mean I guess she has potential, but on this effort I can't give her my seal of approval.

Yes I know I already mentioned this album. But it is so bad that I simply must tell you again. I have heard Congressional speeches that are better than this album. I have heard better singing from sick cats than I heard on this album. It is so bad that it must be heard. Go get this album!

Worst of the Evils: Vol.3

2008-12-10T12:37:00.000-05:00

Situation 1

You are in a relationship that at first is hot and heavy. You are sexually and emotionally fulfilled and as far as you can tell things are going smoothly, but as time goes on you notice your partner no longer seems all that interested in the sexual side of your relationship. You talk to them about this, and you communicate your concerns, and your frustration with the lack of sex. Your partners responds in a nut shell is " I'm just not feeling nowadays". A week goes by, then a month, then several months without sex, at most you get is mutual masturbation. You feel you have reached your breaking point. Emotionally you still feel strongly for the person.
What do you do?

A) I feel this situation justifies me getting some on the side
B) I feel this situation will cause me to break up with my partner.
C) I feel I need to have another talk with my partner to tell them how I am feeling.
D) Just continue to wait until your partner is feeling sexual again, if it happens it happens, if not...

Situation 2

You are in a relationship that at first is hot and heavy. You are sexually and emotionally fulfilled and as far as you can tell things are going smoothly. As time goes on you notice your partner no longer seems all that interested in the sexual side of your relationship. You talk to them about this, and you communicate your concerns, and your frustration with the lack of sex. Your partners responds in a nut shell is " I'm just not feeling nowadays". A week goes by, then a month, then several months without sex, at most you get is mutual masturbation. You feel you have reached your breaking point. One night you finally breakdown and decide to hop online in search of "companionship". You start chatting with a potential piece for the night and before long y'all decide to hook up. You arrange to meet at The W hotel in room 112 at midnight. They said they will answer the door naked. You get to the room and when they open the door your are shocked to discover the person you been chatting with is your partner. The same partner that has been holding out on sex with you.
What do you do?

A) Since This is such a complicated situation that I want you (the reader) to tell me in your words what would you do. *By the way all these situations I write are based on true scenarios*

Situation 3

You are in a relationship that at first is hot and heavy. You are sexually and emotionally fulfilled and as far as you can tell things are going smoothly. As time goes on your partner notices you are no longer all that interested in the sexual side of your relationship. They talk to you about this, and they communicate their concerns, and their frustration with the lack of sex. Your response in a nut shell is " I'm just not feeling it nowadays". A week goes by, then a month, then several months without sex, at most you do is mutual masturbation. Your partner feels they have reached their breaking point. They love, and would never do anything to hurt you, but they feel if you are not willing to satisfy the sexual part of the relationship then they (by default) should be able to have something going on on the side. They discuss this with you...
What do you do?

A) Since This is such a complicated situation that I want you (the reader) to tell me in your words what would you do. *By the way all these situations I write are based on true scenarios*

Situation 4

You are in a relationship with the man of your dreams. You are emotionally fulfilled and as far as you can tell things are going smoothly except for one issue... both of y'all are TOPS. At first this wasn't an issue. You guys found ways of having great sex without the need for penetration. As time goes on though these things no longer fill the sexual appetite of either you or your partner. This soon causes frustration within the relationship and it feels as if it's only a matter of time before one of you decide to end the relationship. Your partner sits you down for a talk, and tells you he has come up with a solution to y'all problem. He thinks that since the only major issue with the relationship is the fact neither of y'all get fucked that the simple solution is to bring a full-time bottom within the relationship so y'all can continue to be "emotionally stable", but still be able to get some ass when it's needed.
What do you do?

A) Negro! Have you lost your damn mind?! Hell naw.
B) That's actually a good idea, and I am willing to do it for the sake of our relationship.
C) I am okay with that, but just a 3rd for sex, not to be an actual life partner of ours.
D) If we truly loved each other we wouldn't have to bring in a 3rd party. We would be willing to at least make an effort to be penetrated because we want to make each happy.

Late Addition: Best Albums of 2008

2008-12-10T12:16:00.000-05:00

My boi is back with his OFFICIAL third studio album. After the head scratchier that was Southern Comfort, I am happy to announce that this is a TRUE Anthony Hamilton album. It doesn't come out until December 16th, but I got my hands on a copy last night and I must say it is a good album much like Aint Nobody Worryin was. Check it out.

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-12-05T18:07:00.000-05:00

THEN... at 1

NOW !!! at 28

My Last Picture as a 27 year old

2008-12-03T10:32:00.000-05:00

Take a good look, This is me 2 days before I turn the big two Eight. If I look mad or upset I am really not. I wasn't feeling so well this morning, but I wanted to take a picture anyway.

2008 Year in Review:Albums I Recommend.

2008-12-02T23:27:00.000-05:00

Well it's safe to say that with only 4 weeks left in 2008 that all the worth while music has been released. As a music fan I wanted to share some of my picks of what I think are good choices. In the next Post I will tell y'all what I was disappointed by.

Anthony David has been my man for a minute now. A Georgia boy that is known for making good music, and received the stamp of approval from India Arie, Anthony David's Third album does not disappoint.

Robin Thicke is back with his third studio album, and although it's not as good as "The Evolution of Robin Thicke", it's still far better than alot of the non-sense we have heard this year.

Who Knew?! The guy that makes Bryant Gumble look like Malcom X really has some soul after all. This is a really good surprisingly good album. Check it out.

I Love this man. I must admit when I heard "Customer" I was afraid he was entering R. Kelly territory, but when I got the album I was relieved that RV not only retain what made is 1st album so great, but expanded upon it.

Okay... where did this guy come from and why is he still being slept on? Go buy this, download it, or even bootleg it. I don't care just listen to this album NOW!

Naked Music is currently my favorite independent record label. One of my favorite producers "Blue Six" has put together yet another albums that makes you what to smoke some good purple, dance, and have sex in that order. Check this out, as well as other Naked Music classics.

Incognito is among one of the best funk jazz groups of all-time, and this album expands upon their already cemented legacy. With the welcomed surprised of having Maysa return for guest vocals, and the polished production, this album is simply a must buy.

Speaking of Maysa, my girl return with yet another banga. Although this is not her best, and some long time fans may be turned off by some of the poppy type songs, this is still a solid album. Check it out.

When I heard Madonna was working exclusively with Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, and Pharrell Williams I thought to myself "Oh god, another white pop artist trying to gain urban credibility", but upon actually listening to the album I must admit I like..alot. I have practically worn out "She's not me" to the point where when I go to the gym it my official workout song.

I feel Lloyd is the most underrated young R&B singer working today, period! His last two albums have been leaps and bounds above ANYTHING current R&B kings Chris Brown, Ne-yo, and most definitely Usher have given us this year. This album is fantastic from start to finish. "Year of the Lover" is the kind of song Usher would have done when he was in his prime. Buy this and his last album "Street Love" NOW!

Lalah does what she does best on this album. Simply mesmerizes you with her voice, and makes you feel her emotion with every song. Another highly underrated artist in our current sad state of music. Get it now.

The husband/wife duo are back with another one. I was disappointed with their last effort, but this one has made me a fan again. This time around their is a certain uncomfortable energy on the songs as if you are seeing a marriage breakdown, but this is what makes the album great. It reflects what is real in relationships. The good and the bad. Check it out.

What a voice. Such raw emotion with every song, and such sincerity. It makes me smile to see that not every young R&B female singer is trying to follow Beyonce and Ciara down the club, poppy yellow brick road. "Lions, Tigers, and Bears" is a song you must listen to.

Shine is the kind of album you would be proud to have on your Ipod. It is the kind of album I have been hoping Lauren Hill would make, but Estelle sounds a thousand times better doing so. Featuring a perfect blend of hip-hop, r&b, and reggae, Estelle's album is Top 10 best of 2008, period.

The Verve series has long been one of my favorite series of albums. The re-imaging of some of the most classic songs of all-time by such artist as Etta James, Billie Holiday, and Nina Simone by today's best producers is simply genius. V4 up the ante by adding a more hip-hop flavor this time around, and it works big time. Check out ALL the Verve Remixed albums NOW!

I have never been a fan of E.B., but I must give credit where credit is due. This album is hot. The title is pretentious to me (Mary J. Blige already used it) so I wasn't even going to give this album the time of day. Then I got my hand on a advance copy and said okay... he's good. Check it out.

Hip-Hop... The music I once loved with all my heart has been a constant disappointment for me for the latter part of a decade now. I get sick when I turn on the radio here "Shawty pop that thing" or "I got ice on my wrist" or that Got damn T.Pain autotune voice thing. ENOUGH! Lucky for me underground hip-hop has it's fair share of fantastic artists that although will never get mainstream recognition still enjoy critical praise. Elzhi is one such artist. As one half of the legendary group Slum Village, he finally breaks aways for a minute to give us a classic solo album. J. Dilla would be proud.

I heard alot of folks were turned off by Dwele second album "Some Kinda". I for one didn't think it was a bad album, but Dwele has heard the call because his 3rd album is simply awesome. He addresses alot of the criticism about his last album on this album, and about his boost in the public eye after appearing on the mega hit Kanye West song "Flashing Lights". Dwele really opens up, and we get to know him as a man, as well as an artist better with this album. Check it out.

THE BEST ALBUM OF 2008! PERIOD!!! Oh my god, I can go on and on and on and... (get the reference to vibrant thing there?..) Q-Tip came out of no where with this one for real. I mean this album was like an assault in the middle of the night, it simply was not expected. He hasn't released an album in almost 10 years, so I thought he had hung up the mic. All 12 tracks are classics. "Move" produced by J. Dilla before his untimely death due to lupus brought a tear to my eye. No, not because it's an emotionally moving song, far far from it. It is simply a sign that real Hip-Hop lives. No flashy production, No A- List features, No autotune voice thingy. Simply banging ass beats, and LYRICS! Hip-Hop in its purest form. I am seriously in love with this album. So much so I BOUGHT IT... I am a self confessed pirate and I felt I had to buy this album. It's that good.

Get Tested: My First Time

2008-12-01T12:02:00.000-05:00

I will never forget the first time I went to get tested for H.I.V. I was 18 years old, and just slept with a guy for the first time. I thought to myself all we did was oral, and you can't get it that way (Young and dumb). I went to my family doctor and told him what I did, and that's when he told me indeed it can be passed along orally. I felt sick to my stomach. The test took two weeks to come back. It was the two longest weeks of my life. I was called into his office, and I was convinced I had it. Afterall, why would he insist I come into his office if I wasn't? He could have simply told me on the phone I was negative, but he was persisted I come in to talk with him. My heart was beating through my chest, and I think a tear made its way down my face. I sat down and waited for the bad news, and he looked at me and said "Your test was negative, your clean." I remember feeling like I just avoided a death sentence. I was so happy I didn't know how to contain the joy i felt. I remember hugging the doctor. The reason he called me in there is because H.I.V. among young,black, gay males was so high in the state that he wanted to talk with me and educate me on what exactly the disease is. I learned about viral loads, transmissions risks, and other things I never even heard about before that talk.

That was 10 years ago. since then I have been tested about 20 times (every 6 months), and I am so blessed to have the sense to know that this thing is real. Since I have moved to ATL I have met and become friends with alot of POZ men. About 2 years ago one friend I had come to be very close to , and looked up to passed away due to HIV/AIDs related complications. I was (and still am) heart broken over his death. I think to myself I haven't always been the smartest cat on the block when it comes to sex. Last year during one my Annual HIV tests I decided to finally get tested for other STDs, and to my horror I tested positive for syphilis. I received a shot to my butt, and 1 weeks worth of a little nasty tablet. It was not easy telling Larry why I needed him to go get tested, and even more difficult to tell him I don't know how this could have happened. It must have happened the night I cheated on him a year or two ago( more on that story in a later post ). Thank the good lord he tested negative on ALL STDs, but it for sure has created a dent in the trust shield.

I won't preach to y'all why it is important to know your status, and why you should always practice safe sex. I am sure by now you all know the deal. I will say let today (World AIDS Day), be a day you reflect on your behavior, and educate yourself. Then decide if that good ol' raw nutt is worth a lifetime of various medicines, and the emotional turmoil that comes with being POZ.

Worst of the Evils: Vol.2

2008-11-27T17:35:00.000-05:00

Situation 1

Your friend and his partner have broken up not too long ago, maybe within the last year. You have always had an attraction for your friend's partner but you would never "go there" due to the fact this is your friendship and you value it alot. One day out of the blue your friend calls you and tells you that his ex wants to have sex with you, and he (your friend) wants to watch.
What do you do?

A) HELL YEA! I always wanted to hit that ass!
B) HELL TO DA NAW! Y'all some freaks!
C) I can't do that, You my best friend man, it's not cool
D) I like your EX and prefer to do it one on one.

Situation 2

Your friend and his partner have broken up not too long ago, maybe within the last year. You have always had an attraction for your friend's partner but you would never "go there" due to the fact this is your friendship and you value it alot. One day you tell your friend about you being attracted to his ex. He says its cool if you want to "go there", and won't be upset and y'all still will be the best of friends.
What do you do?

A) No, I'm still not going to date my friend's ex, that's not cool.
B) I will "date" my friends ex now that I have his okay.
C) I would simply fuck my friends ex to cure my curiosity, then I would act like it never happened
D) I wouldn't even mention to my friend I had an attraction to his ex.

Rules of the Game: ArticleBy Roger Pebody

2008-11-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

This is an article Larry sent me today, I found it very interesting and wanted to share.

HIV-positive gay men who have unprotected anal intercourse think of themselves as being in settings where ‘everybody knows the rules of the game’, but these understandings are not shared by all gay men, report Barry Adam and colleagues in the November 2008 issue of Culture, Health and Sexuality. Tacit miscommunication, faulty assumptions and differences in decision-making processes are all extremely common, and this raises questions of how to develop HIV prevention messages for specific micro-cultures, they write.

The researchers from the University of Windsor and the AIDS Committee of Toronto conducted in-depth interviews with 34 men who have sex with men. All men reported that their sex was unprotected most or all of the time, although there was one respondent who did maintain consistent condom use, with some difficulty. Ten of the men were HIV-negative, and the rest HIV-positive. The interviews focused on unprotected sex, and examined “the narrative sequences, verbal and nonverbal communication and tacit decision rules” surrounding the practice.

In common with many other studies, the researchers found that many HIV-positive respondents expressed a strong desire to avoid passing on their HIV infection. One respondent said: “I don’t want to put anyone through what I went through when I found out I was positive”.

Whilst the HIV-negative respondents had very little to say about disclosure “as they have the luxury of experiencing it as no problem”, the HIV-positive respondents discussed their dilemmas at length. Direct, explicit discussion ran the risk of hostility or of derailing a potentially pleasurable experience. Instead, the men dropped hints and picked up clues. Whilst these hints might be easy for other HIV-positive men to understand, they might not always be self-evident to men who are less in the know.

Indirect disclosure remained common when cruising online, sometimes thought to be a setting that encourages disclosure of HIV status. Many respondents were reluctant to tick the 'HIV-positive' box on their profile, because it appears on a publicly accessible page.

One HIV-positive respondent took the view that all HIV-negative men would be happy to openly declare their status, which implied for him that anybody whose status was left undeclared would in fact have HIV. He commented: “I’ve always assumed that someone who was negative would see that, like they would kind of figure it out”.

Other respondents thought that ticking 'safe sex only' clearly indicated having HIV, because it suggested that precaution was needed. Furthermore, once a 'safe sex only' man had established that his partner was positive too, unprotected sex could become a possibility.

Given the risks and complexity of disclosure, venues such as saunas and sex-clubs were attractive to men with HIV precisely because disclosure was not perceived to be expected. The same respondent who was quoted above on his desire to avoid transmission also discussed going to a sauna: “Disclosure wasn’t as much an issue because everybody is kind of there having sex and some people disclose and some don’t, but there’s not as much pressure to sort of have to deal with it”.

Moreover the researchers describe 'taken for granted rules of conduct' described by a sub-set of the respondents. For example, discussing saunas, several HIV-positive respondents expressed the view that: “If they start to fuck you [without a condom], you probably figure, well, unless he’s an idiot, he’s probably positive himself.” However none of the HIV-negative interviewees mentioned this presumption.

Moreover, several positive men described non-verbal interactions where a failure to introduce a condom or to halt a penetration is understood as informed consent. One said : “Well you start doing it, if they don’t stop, then you keep going”.

Another described an interaction: “When he pulled like the lube out, he put a couple of condoms on the table. So I was given the choice… However, we never actually discussed condoms and as the sexual encounter progressed, we just kind of took it at the silence of not saying anything about it and that it’d be okay and or it was going to happen”.

These men articulated a worldview in which all present were adults who fully understood the risks they were taking. The researchers write that the men’s rhetoric “draws on a particular mix of individualism, personal responsibility, consenting adults and contractual interaction”. Their ‘rational’ accounts of the reasons why a man may be willing to have unprotected sex with a casual partner do not take into account a host of other potential reasons such as condom and erection difficulties, recreational drug use, momentary lapses, trade offs, personal turmoil and depression.

The researchers stress that the HIV-positive respondents wanted to avoid HIV transmission. However they perceived themselves to be in settings where their prospective sexual partners would have the same assumptions and understandings of what was going on. Different micro-cultures exist within the larger population of men who have sex with men, and Barry Adam writes that “the meeting of men carrying these divergent visions of the sexual game plan can create situations of high risk for HIV transmission”.

Bound By Gayness

2008-11-23T10:23:00.000-05:00

If I must say the one thing I don't like about my life since I am now out of the closet sort of speak is the fact that all my friends and close associates are either gay, bi, bi-curious, or just plain confused. I am trying to think do I have any straight MALE friends anymore, and I can't think any. I have guys at the job I'm cool with, but I haven't announced to them I'm gay, because for one it shouldn't matter, and two its not an aspect of my life I feel I need to shout from the mountain tops. I don't go around with it on my business card like it's a slogan... "Shawn Benjamin...gay since 1998". I am at a point if someone were to ask me I would tell the truth. One of my friends at work who I have really gotten cool with always ask about "my wife" (because I were a band on my finger), and I want to tell him so bad I don't have a wife, but I am married, just to see if he catches on. The thing about gay man, straight man relationships is that they are so damn complicated depending on the men involved. It seems like if I do get to know a straight guy as a chill buddy or whatever and I tell them I'm gay they either slowly disconnect themselves from me, or slowly try to get with me. Their is no gray area, purely black and white.

My family has arrived to a point that everybody I introduce them to is most likely gay or lesbian. This saddens me. Just because I am gay doesn't mean I only want gay people in my life. I was talking with my best friend about this troubling fact in my current life, and he said this will change as I get older. As I continue to mature and meet more mature minded people that my sexuality won't be an issue. I will have friends of all walks of life. I hope this does come to be. I don't want to be bound to my friends by gayness. I don't want those in my life who are NOT gay to be gay by association. I just want to be a regular guy with regular friends. Is that to much to ask?

Hearing (The Final Human Sense)

2008-11-21T18:28:00.000-05:00

Now to conclude the first volume of my "Human Senses" series I want to talk about the last sense, sound. What role does sound play when it comes to sex? I have yet to fully understand, but as usual I would like to stat out with a story. I was kicking it with this guy that from the sight of him you would think would be a very passive guy in the bedroom. He didn't have much "flavor" or "swagger" to his personality, and to be honest was kind of too soft for my taste. Needless to say I wanted to see if my assumption was accurate so I decided to take him for a test drive. I was seriously wrong about this man. Sexually he unleashes the beast...literally. You see, ol' boy was a screamer. I mean Mariah Carey hiitting high notes screamer. And he talked so much shit, I didn't know whether to be turned on, or laugh my ass off. I end up doing the latter. He was a screamer, a moaner, a groaner, a roarer, and a shouter. I mean for a second I thought I was in bed with a damn Tiger. It was crazy, and it didn't do anything for me. Those types of sounds never did anything for me.

I do however believe that sound plays a critical role in sexual interaction. Think about it, don't you love hearing that slapping sound as you hitting some good ass just perfect? Or the slurping and smacking a good blow job delivers? Sometimes sound alone can intensify an orgasm. I can speak from personal experience that when I hear that perfectly pitched "baby I'm cummin'" from my dude it's not long before I am painting the walls white myself. Sounds can also have the opposite effect during sex. As with the story above, or more commonly for me the sound of porn. This may sound crazy coming from a guy that owns over 600 porno moves, but porn irritates the hell out of me. I mean the constant barrage of fake moans, and "YEA NIGGA" or if for some strange reason it's a whiteboy in the scene "Give me that black cock!" gets on my last nerve. I must watch porn with the sound muted. If I don't it becomes just a regular movie with bad dialogue. Like watching a Sci-Fi channel movie or something. No sound during sex is probably the most ego damaging thing there is though. Imagine you working your ass off to satisfy someone, and they just laying there emotionless, no making a peep. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words ever can. To me that's saying. "Nigga, you wack. I could have had a V8".

So what do y'all think? How important is sound during sex? As usual leave your comment as thanks for reading.

My Moment of Madness: I done lost my damn mind

2008-11-21T14:25:00.000-05:00

What is addiction? Addiction is defined as a "Psychological and bodily dependence on a substance or practice which is beyond voluntary control". There are many different types of addiction, and I think everyone has one. I could be wrong though. I know for a fact that I do. I am a shopping addict. This is self diagnosed so I could be wrong. All I know is whenever I have a nice sum of money, I feel I just have to spend it or I get "the itch". I really only buy shit that interest me though, which questions if I am an addict or not. I would think a shopping addict would buy any and everything there is to buy. I tend to blow a ridiculous amount of money on electronics and games. Last week I hit a new low (or reached rock bottom, how ever you want to say it). I spent close to $700 dollars on games....GAMES! I came to my senses two days later when I looked at my bank account and saw that it was nearly drained. I said to myself this shit is going back RIGHT NOW, and not only did I get my money back, but ever since I been on a selling spree selling everything that hasn't been used in the last year or so. Now I'm on my cheap man shit. I haven't spent any unnecessary money this week (other than buying an expensive as turkey sandwich), and I am pretty proud of that. I don't know what came over me. To be honest with y'all I don't even play games that much any more because I don't have time, but I love to collect them. I think there is nothing wrong with spending money, but only IF YOU HAVE IT. I have student loans to payback, Rent to pay, a car that needs a transmission, and of course I gotta eat. Meanwhile my dumb ass going crazy on Amazon.com buying shit. I'm not an addict, I'm just crazy as hell and had a moment. Now I'm back to life. The wallet is on love lockdown.

Bottom

2008-11-20T21:26:00.000-05:00

There is a discrimination crisis going on within the black gay community. Actually there are several internal discriminatory issues within the bgc, but there is one in particular that has me puzzled, and slightly troubled. Why don't the openly bottom boys get any love anymore? I mean I hear alot of TOPS say "man, I don't fuck wit btm niggas, I like them vers niggas" When I ask why I get the same answer... bottom boys are just to damn fem. Why in 2008 is there still a stigma on being a bottom? Is it because it goes against everything we are raised to believe about being a man. Black men are supposed to strong, and any signs of weakness are forbidden. So therefore a man that willfully classifies himself as a bottom must mean he's weak, soft, a punk, a girly man, etc. Being an ATL resident I find this extremely puzzling. I personally know so many self proclaim TOPS that take more dick than even the biggest bottoms out there. And this seems to be the norm. I hear so many stories about men posing as Tops in their A4A or M4N ad, but when it's time to get busy they the first ones to spread their legs. I believe there is still a stigma that if you a bottom then you a woman...period. Afterall, bottoms are usually much more flamboyant, feminine, and visibly more clockable than tops. I personally know alot of bottoms that when it comes to online dating classify themselves as vers. I guess in their eyes this makes them more masculine then staying true to their role as bottom. I am not afraid to say that I get penetrated , and trust me when I say I am far from being a fem bot. Then again I'm not a true bottom either. I mean I got a pipe I love to use frequently. Does this fact add to my masculinity? What if I decided to no longer put my dick in a nice ass? Would that banish me to a lifetime in femworld, usa?

Further more I have discovered a new type of bottom that I didn't know existed until just a few years ago. The really masculine bi-sexual brothas that only use their dicks on pussy, but they love being fucked down themselves. I even heard some of these guys say they sometimes have their girl put on a strap-on and let their girl fuck them. This is some crazy ass shit, but hey who am I to judge. Me personally I think labels are stupid. To me you are what you are AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME. Meaning if you label yourself a TOP, but when you with me you bottom, then I'm gonna see you as a bottom because that's what you are at that moment. Living in ATL, if I were to believe all these brothas that label themselves a TOP were being honest then that would mean this city... the blackest, gayest city on planet earth has ZERO bottoms. Glad that isn't true... if it was I would have to date the whiteboys :) I'm kidding.

Worst of the Evils: Vol.1

2008-11-18T12:28:00.000-05:00

Situation 1

You and your partner start a life together. You buy a house, everything is in both y'all names, etc. One day you come home early from work and notice an unfamiliar car in y'all driveway parked along side of your partner's car. You walk in the house only to discover them knocking boots on y'all bed on top the the quilt your grandma hand stitched and slaved over to make for y'all. What do you do?

A) Go into a rage and try to attack both your partner and his piece?
B) Walk out the room before they see you
C) Join in on the fun
D) Immediately get your stuff, leave and make plans to end the relationship.

Situation 2

You and your partner live in separate houses, but you have keys to each others place which means you can come and go as you please. One day you decide to stop by his place to say hello and notice an unfamiliar car in their driveway parked along side of your partner's car. You walk in the house only to discover them knocking boots in his bed. What do you do?

A) Go into a rage and try to attack both your partner and the other person?
B) Walk out the room before they see you
C) Join in on the fun
D) Tell yourself " It's my fault, I shouldn't have stopped by unannounced"

Situation 3

You and your partner live in separate houses, but you have keys to each others place which means you can come and go as you please. One day you decide to go home for lunch on your lunch break. You get to your house and notice an unfamiliar car in your driveway parked along side of your partner's car. You walk in your house only to discover them knocking boots in your bed. What do you do?

A) INSTANT DEATH TO THEM BOTH!!!!
B) Walk out the house before they see you
C) Join in on the fun
D) Calmly ask them to leave, and end the relationship with your partner.

Jam of the Week: Q-Tip "Getting Up"

2008-11-18T12:10:00.000-05:00

I grew up listening to A Tribe Called Quest, and til' this day I believe they are one of the greatest hip-hop groups EVER. When they broke up in 1998 I shed a little tear, because to me it signified that hip hop just became not so special, and I was right. The shit that has been feed to the public for the last 10 years barely qualifies as music, let alone HIP-HOP. When I heard Q-Tip was coming out with a new album after a 9-year hiatus I was equal parts excited and skeptical. After all we are living in an age were Lil Wayne, T-Pain, and T.I. pretty much rule the radio, and all the "old folks" of hip-hop have been forced into retirement. I picked up the album November 4, 2008 and I haven't been able to listen to anything else in the last two weeks. It is simply an amazing album. TRUE hip-hop fans rejoice!!! We now have an album we can call our own. Check out the first single "Getting Up" in the video above. ENJOY!

A New Set of Rules part 1

2008-11-17T22:46:00.000-05:00

Being as young as I am, I am what is considered a product of the online era. As such it is no surprise that most if not all relationships I see folks in were developed via the web. One trend I see that is becoming more and more "The Norm" is the concept of open relationships. I have to admit I did not know there was a such thing until I got in the "life". My knowledge of relationships came from my parents and older siblings, which meant two people in a monogamous long term partnership. Nowadays I see folks that have the ground work of a long term relationship, meaning they have chosen to build a life together, but they are free to have sex with whomever they chose. An example of this is... I know a couple that met on A4A (which I thought was impossible given the fact that site is for sex), but even though they are together, each one still has an active profile on A4A, M4N, BGC, and all the other such sites. On top of them having profiles, they both still do "meet and greets" with folks on there. This is mind blowing to me. Their reason is an odd one, they say "why should we stop being on there just cause we together, we met on there". To me this is like getting married and saying why should I stop dating, I met you by dating. It makes no sense.

Another thing I see is what I call a new set of rules. The Internet age has created some interesting terms of agreement, and has changed the concept of the "traditional relationship". Having men perform sex acts on cam for you, having an online "friendship" with men you found through a sexually themed website/group, and even couples looking for a third party to be in the actual relationship are now fast becoming acceptable practices. I crafted an entire list of things, situations, and proposals for My mister to see if he thinks those things are acceptable in a relationship. Being that he is old school I wasn't surprised that he said no to majority of the list. Some things I asked were is it cool for me to have an active profile showing my dick and ass. He said hell no. I asked if it was cool for me to have cam to cam (or c2c) with someone. He said hell no. I asked if flirting with some hot guy at a party or wherever okay. He said hell no. I ran this list by one of my buddies who is in one of these new age relationships, and he said he and his partner do these things all the time and its no big deal. Now I consider myself new old school. Meaning I am old fashioned when it comes to the foundation and value of my relationship. But I am new school when it comes to some of the rules. For example, when I went away to college in South, GA I told my guy he has my permission to get him some ass until I get back. He didn't take me up on my offer, but I was a realist and said I rather us talk about it, versus him feeling guilty for cheating.

This is a topic that I can write on and on about, but it's late so I will pick this up again soon.

Best Screen Name EVER!!!!

2008-11-17T21:49:00.000-05:00

BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK

That was my yahoo screen name before I met Larry. That screen name became so legendary that it became a burden to live up to. I remember coming home from work, and would have about 50 new emails...and that was on a SLOW day. I gave birth to that screen name one day in 2001 in Harrisburg, PA. I wanted a name that both described what I was offering as well as be a bold attention getter. IT WORKED like a charm. On top of that I had my dick pic to accompany the screen name. That screen name got me alot of free dinners, but like I said the name came with alot of burden. I know now that All I WAS to brothas was DICK. Nothing but DICK. Doing my time as BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK (2001-2003) I must have had 100 "meet and greets". I got a Playstation 2, countless dinners, DVDs, and airline tickets from that screen name. But as alot of celebrities say...it's lonely at the top. All these guys liked BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK, they didn't give a damn about Shawn B. in some cases they didn't even know Shawn B. existed. I guess it would be like going to dinner with a actor or porn star. All you know is the character they portray, and in most cases that's all you would want to know.

With all that said I did have fun as my alter ego. Being BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK helped me grow much more comfortable being gay. It gave me ALOT of sexual practice allowing me to become the sexually skilled individual I am today. And it gave me the knowledge to know when a nigga is full of shit. I become much more aware of myself and people, and how to play the "gay game". I buried BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK the day Larry committed himself to me. I threw my alter ego a going away party that consisted of me jacking off on cam with some of my yahoo buddies. So if you see someone with that screen name, he is just a copy. I AM (WAS) THE REAL BLACKNIGGAWITABIGASSDICK

Smell

2008-11-17T17:55:00.000-05:00

It’s time to talk about the smell sense for a minute. As usual I’d like to start off with a story.
I was kicking it with this guy awhile ago, and by awhile I mean years ago. One day I was on the phone with him and he wanted me to come over so we could “play”. I mentioned to him I just came from jogging and I need to take a shower and find a way to get over there. He says to me he will come get me, only if I don’t shower. I asked him why he doesn’t want me to shower and he said “because I love the smell of a nigga”. I asked him what does that smell like. He asked me to reach my hands down my pants then smell my fingers…that’s how a man should smell. I thought to myself “a man is supposed to smell like sweaty musty ass balls?!” this is some crazy shit. I myself know I don’t like odors, but if this is what he wanted I would grant his request. He came and picked me up about a hour later. We get to his house and he begins sucking my sweaty, musty, unwashed dick and balls. I felt totally uncomfortable, that “unsure” feeling was heavy on my brain. I knew my balls smelled like I soaked them in onion soup, but that didn’t phase ol’boy one bit. He then turns me around and smells my hole… my sweaty, possibly shitty hole. You would have thought ol’boy just sniffed cocaine, because he was in such a rush he began licking it til’ he came. No I am not joking, this is real talk, he came from licking my sweaty, musty, possibly shitty hole. I asked him what is it about “a man’s smell” he likes because at this point I am totally confused. He said he doesn’t know why but it’s something intoxicating about that particular smell.

As I was trying to mentally recover from having sweat licked from my ass and balls I thought to myself is/was this the normal thing for humans to do in primitive times. I mean before there was perfume/cologne humans were attracted by the natural pheromones given off by a potential mating partner. In fact (according to research I did) it was undesirable to “mask” the natural body smell, and could be seen as offensive back in the olden times. But of course in our modern age, it’s the exact opposite. We (humans) collectively spend tens of billions of dollars making sure we smell as good as possible by buying perfumes, colognes, deodorants, scented oils, etc. So what is it with this small group of folks in the modern age that love natural body smell (odor)? I understand it to a certain extent. I mean I LOVE the smell of my baby's body. I often say I wish I could bottle it, and spray it around the room when he’s not around. But his smell isn’t funky, sweaty, or musty or any of those offensive smells. If I had to describe it it’s like a neutral/new smell. Like when you get a new car or a new comforter, but it is uniquely him.

I was speaking with my best friend who is very sensitive to odors. I told him that story, and I can hear him vomit a little in his mouth. He (my bff) is the type of guy that if you not coming to bed smelling like the men’s cologne section at Macy’s then you don’t stand a chance. If your breathe doesn’t smell like you downed a pack of tic tacs then you might as well not even waste your time. I was telling him about the research I did about some folks liking the aroma of the natural body scent, and he didn’t buy that. He believes they just some damn freaks like “piss boy” I told y’all about. What do y’all think? Is smell critical? What kind of smells do you like your partner to smell like? Do you enjoy “The smell of a man?” Let’s get a debate started

Quick Update: Cut The Fat

2008-11-15T03:11:00.000-05:00

Well it's been two weeks on I think I am doing well on the DIET part of my plan to get in better shape. The EXERCISE part is a sad disappointment though. I have been to the gym just twice in two weeks. I need to do much better than that. My problem is I get ored with the routine. Treadmill warm up, weights, back to treadmill. I got my hands on a copy of that P90X video that I see on late night infomercials. I think begining this weekend I am going to give it a shot. I decidied I won't start weighing myself,because I will obseess and start checking the scale everyday (I know how I am so I don't want to go there.) As allows wish me well, and thank y'll for the encouragement. I surely do need it :-)

November 4th, 2008: In My Lifetime

2008-11-05T00:27:00.000-05:00

I never thought this would happen in my lifetime. As I mentioned before I am not into politics. I am also a guy that doesn't display his emotions. But tonight, like many millions of other Americans, I cried. I cried tears of joy, and I wasn't ashamed. As much as I love America I still believe it is still very much immature. When President Obama first stepped on the political scene I must admit I thought it was a joke. The novelty of a black man (or even a half black man) being president would never happen in our ultra conservative country. Afterall this is the same country that demanded Janet Jackson's head on a stick for displaying a fraction of a seconds worth of nipple. The same country that still believes gays/lesbians/transgenders should be locked away in a mental facility as to not affect the "normal" people. The same country that still put most minority people in a stereotypical box as to clearly keeps us from ever being truly equal. But tonight my faith in my country has been restored. Not only did Obama win, but it wasn't even close. I am not naive to think that racism is dead though. I know it is alive and well, but on this historical night America was able to see Obama not for his color, but for the hope he represents for our nation. As cheesy as this sounds I am proud to be an American! I am proud to have had a hand in making history. I am proud to be part of a generation that embraces change, and breaks down the wall of conformity and tradition. Here's to (what I pray will be) Four great years of change for the USA

God Bless America

Touch

2008-11-02T22:10:00.000-05:00

Now it's time to explore the Touch or Feel sense of humans. Let me start off with a story.

I remember playing basketball with my friends a long time ago when I just a small child in Harrisburg. It was nothing for us to get banged up or bruised on a daily basis, boys will be boys after all. As I was dribbling the ball somehow the ball bounced into my rigid left hand fingers and jammed them into place. It hurt like hell, I could not move them at all because the pain was so intense I would cry. After wearing a finger brace for two weeks I was able to move them again, but I noticed a strange sensation was now present. Whenever I bent my middle and ring fingers they would pop. This was painful, but at the same time it felt good. So til' this day almost 20 years later I bend my fingers to experience that perfect mix of pleasure and pain.

This leads to the question... why do some men like to be fucked in the ass? I know what y'all are saying... it's not just men, alot of women like it too. I know that, but I am focusing on the brothas because it's much more psychological with us. I use to think some of the guys I have been sexual with are crazy. (From what I am told) I am a well above average brotha as far as penis size is concerned, so when I fucked a guy I always had to be careful not to cause any damage. There were alot of guys though that wanted ALL of me in them, and they wanted it RUFF!. I will never forgot this one guy I was with about 5 maybe 6 years ago. He is a true warrior in the bedroom for real. Usually I would have to send the first few minutes of intercourse getting a brothas use to my size...not this dude. He wanted me to RAM it all in on the first try WITH NO LUBE! I looked at his hole expecting to see a black hole that can suck me into its vortex with ease, but I was surprised that he still looked very tight down there (no rosebud at all). I did what he asked and I can see that he was in such intense pain I wanted to stop. I asked him was he ok and his answer is simply classic. He said "I want you to fuck me so hard til' my soul bust a nutt" LOL. I did as he asked and he then went somewhere between torturous pain and unbelievable ecstasy. Within minutes he was cumming from both is dick and his ass, all without touching himself. I had NEVER experienced that before. Remember we used NO lube at all. I thought I was fucking some kind of S&M freak, but he was just a regular bottom that liked ruff fucking.

Before meeting My dude' I was not a fan of the bottom position. Don't get me wrong, I did it, but I just didn't like it. I only did it with the couple of men that I felt emotionally connected to (men who are still in my life by the way). I couldn't see going through what I think is the male equivalent of child bearing with just anybody. If I was gonna sub ject myself to that kind of pain I got to really like the guy, and that means beyond the bedroom. I will never forget the first time I let him penetrate me. His thickness is unreal, and I thought it was no way in hell I was going to be able to take that without elephant tranquilizers and a vicodin for afterwards. But he was so gentle, and got me so relaxed that it went in with relative ease. This is when that feeling of pleasure and pain kicked in, and I now understood way and how bottom brothas can do what they do. From that day on I was now officially a verse brotha. In the what has to be at least a hundred times of The Mister penetrating me, I have now reached the Holy Grail of dick taking. I can now injaculate (not ejaculate). Do a goole search if you don't know what that is.

Why does this pain feel good? I must know. I need to further investigate this so I am asking for my readers to weigh in on this topic. Why do we voluntarily put ourselves through pain to achieve pleasure? Is there an easier way to get the same pleasure? Leave your comments for a brotha.

Doctor's Orders vol.1: Cut The Fat

2008-11-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

This past Thursday I had a doctor's appointment for the results of a blood test they wanted to take. The news was not good. She told me that my triglyceride level was really high, especially considering my age. To be honest with you I didn't know what the hell triglycerides were or why they are important, so I asked my doc what does this all mean. In short she says I'm on a fast track to a heart attack if they continue to rise. She told me a normal count should be 150mg or below. Mine is close to 200, which for my age and height is VERY high. She explained what all this meant and basically the bottom line is I need to go on a diet and exercise(which I already knew).

I can't believe it has come to this. As I said in an earlier post, I know I have put on a few pounds since I been in college, but this is serious. Maybe this is the wake up call I needed to get my ass in gear. All my favorite foods such as pasta pizza, and Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches are all coming backing to haunt me. DAMMIT! Why the hell does all the good tasting food have to be bad for you? Why is it so damn expensive to eat healthy. Think about it... a damn apple cost more than a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. What's up with that?! Have you ever seen a broke Vegan or Vegetarian? Me either, and that's because being a vegan or vegetarian requires much more money than being a Whopper loving slob.

I left the doctor's office and immediately started on my diet quest. I went to Kroger and bought about $60 worth of rabbit food. I bought lots of produce, Salmon, and nasty Hippie food such as flax cereal and organic skim milk. I went home to give the Hippie food a try. I made a bowl of flax seed cereal and O skim milk and it taste just like it looked. Like tree bark dipped in white water. I have no choice though. I must get my triglycerides level down, and under control. A friend of mine had a massive heart attack at the tender age of 32, and I don't want that to be me. As usual I will give y'all my progress. Wish me well :)

Some of My Turn-Offs

2008-10-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

* Stupid Niggas

* Ugly in physical and mental Niggas

* "Sup Nigga" Niggas

* Thug Niggas

* Broke and won't get a job Niggas

* Confused got a wife but take dick in the ass Niggas

* Lying Niggas

* Desperate Niggas

* Only want sex but claim "looking 4 friends" Niggas

* The "no fats no fems" Niggas

* The "I'm god's gift to niggas" but aint got shit Niggas

* The Niggas that use the word Nigga Niggas

I could go on literally all day but you get the point

The Big Reveal- Vol. 2: My Favorite Things

2008-10-24T21:47:00.000-04:00

I think it is so boring when people introduce themselves in the same way and give all about themselves away in one shot. As I did with revealing my name, I will SLOWLY reveal some of my favorite things. Once again I will present it in my own unique way so that y'all won't be bored (I hope)

Today's Fave: My Favorite Cartoon

This is a list that can go on and on, and thanks to youtube I have found one that I thought I would never see again. It's called "David the Gnome" and I want y'all to enjoy this first episode.

A Symbol

2008-10-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

A ring on your finger must be a magnet for curiosity. At least that's the case when it comes to me. Never a week goes by that I don't get asked (usually by a female) "Are you married?" My answer is usually yes, and that ends it. Sometimes the truly nosey people, church members & co-workers usually, go a step further and ask details. Things such as what's HER name, where did you meet HER, any kids, etc. I usually put them in their place and say mind yo own damn business. Sometimes tho' I must admit I like to get a rise out of people and cause controversy so I would say well my HUSBAND'S name is Larry. Jaws usually drop to the floor faster than a 100IB anvil, I love it, lol. People automatically associate a ring on the left hand with the legally binding, contractual agreement known as marriage. What our rings mean to us (The mister and I) is a symbol that we have bond that can't be broken, a love that is eternal, and that we want to express that to everyone. I would not trade the six years I have had with this man for anything in the world. Even tho' I personally feel I haven't always been the best husband, he knows he's the only one for me. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He is my Angel. He is my Rock. He is my All. I truly believe he saved my life, and when I slid that ring on his finger I wanted him to know that I proclaim him to be mine as I am his. Whenever I feel down, or feel upset I simply look at my left hand and the sun starts shining again. The ring for me is a symbol of joy.

The Big Reveal- Vol. 2: My Favorite Things

2008-10-24T11:24:00.000-04:00

Today's Fave: My Favorite Music

I LOVE music. I remember I used to spend entire paychecks at my local record store. Now thanks to the internet those days are over. I love going on iTunes, or different blogs and yahoo groups, and myspace pages to keep up on what's new. When it comes to my favorites I am all over the place. On my Ipod I have everything from A Tribe called Quest to Mozart and everything in between. I just listen to what sounds good to me. Below is a song from a album I have on rotation at the moment. Enjoy!

Jam of the Week: Beyonce "If I Were A Boy"

2008-10-24T11:21:00.000-04:00

The real reason Ciara's new album "Fantasy Ride" got pushed back?... She, and everyone else knows that when B comes out she simply dominates the charts. With joints like this that show a different side (a much more mature side) of her, and the fact that she continues to grow with each album if I were Ciara, or any other R&B chick for that matter I would fall back too. I love this video, and the song is awesome to. I am glad to see she is doing new forms of music on this album. I thought the last album had to many "Get Me Bodied" type tracks on it.

Her New album title "I Am...Sasha Fierce" comes out November 18th

P.S.
The brotha playing her boyfriend in the video is super fine, DAMN!

Sight

2008-10-24T09:46:00.000-04:00

To continue my thoughts on the topic I started in my post called TASTE, I want to explore the next human sense SIGHT. What is it about seeing a big ol' black piece that gets brothas off? I'm not just talking about bottom guys either. I am talking about most if not all gay brothas. I have couple of friends who are tops (as far as I know anyway), but they are constantly looking at pictures and videos of big dick guys. I asked them if they are supposed to be tops how come they don't obsess over a nice round phat ass the same way they drool over a nice dick. Their response was the same. "I like seeing a man, and fucking a man that has a big dick." I have to admit personally I love fuckin' a guy that has a nice size piece as well. It's something empowering about making a brotha ride me while his Mandingo is bouncing up and down on my stomach, but then again I am a verse guy so I have a valid excuse why I like big ones.

I want to know why my top friends simply like "looking" at big dicks. I had one of them tell me a guy can't even come in his house unless he's 8 inches or better.... remember this is my friend who's a "TOP" saying this! This has me scratching my head. Either they are secretly bottoms or a new breed of gay called " Dick Obsessive Tops" (I made up this classification just now, lol). Another friend of mine who is a total top (whatever that means) is the kind of "true top" I think about when I define that role. He is OBSESSED with ass. He once told me the brotha can be missing his dick altogether as long as the ass is phat, firm, and can take a pounding. He is not into dick at all. I have another "top" friend that goes to strip clubs, and only gives money to the brothas with a nice dick. The phat booty brothas don't get his money which is weird to me.

So I am asking for y'all opinion. For those of you that admire the black pole. Why do you like the sight? I have been told so many damn times I have a "pretty dick", what constitutes a pretty dick? Can dick be ugly? If so someone email a picture of an ugly one, LOL. I need to know y'alls opinion.

The Big Reveal- Vol. 2: My Favorite Things

2008-10-22T19:04:00.000-04:00

Today's Fave: My Favorite Book
I am not a book guy, but if I have to say my favorite book ever is probably this one.

Book Plot: It is the story about a mother bird who knows her egg will be in her nest where she left it, so she leaves him alone to go and get something for him to eat. The baby bird hatches. He doesn't understand where his mother is so he goes to look for her. In his search, he asks a kitten, a hen, a dog, and a cow if they are his mother. They each say NO, and the adventure begins...

The Big Reveal- Vol. 2: My Favorite Things

2008-10-22T04:16:00.000-04:00

Today's Fave: My Favorite Movie

Plot Summary: Nancy is having nightmares, violent nightmares about a mysterious badly burned man with a razor fingered glove on his right hand. When she realizes that her friends are having the same nightmares and that one by one they are being brutally murdered in their sleep she turns to her father who does not believe her and thinks her to be crazy. After she finds out the horrible truth behind his rampage she decides to take action and bring this dream murderer out of dreamland and into the real world where she can send him straight to where he belongs.

Update: My "Re-training" Progress

2008-10-22T03:56:00.000-04:00

I just thought I would share with y'all how I am doing so far. As y'all know from my earlier post about my delayed "problem" I decided to lay off jackin' as much as I do, and re-train my brain and my dick so I will be able to cum in a much more timely manner. Well so far I have jacked once this week( last night before bed), and it wasn't anything great. I believe my thought process is starting to change because even the thought of stroking is starting to feel less like a joy and more like a task. I got myself aroused by watching some xtube videos, and began stroking my tally wacker. Mid-way through I started getting soft. I clearly wasn't enjoying myself, and was just going through the motions. I haven't done any of those exercises the experts suggested I do yet such as different positions, switching hands, etc. Only thing I have done is use my fleshlight toy, and had "The Mister" give me a slow hand job (which felt GREAT!).

I think I am going to have to creat a customized exercise for myself. Maybe rotate between using my fleshlight, and using "The mister" LOL. A friend of mine recently suggested I throw in a little ass play into my "workout". I guess that means playing with my hole as I stroke or something. I gotta say that is not something I see myself doing, but who knows. As always I will keep y'all posted on my progression.

update: I just looked at ass play clips on xtube, and discovered this little gem. This guy drove himself to full orgasm simply using some device called "Aneros", so y'all know I am now curious :-)

Check out the video clip in this post. FOR ADULTS ONLY!!

Not So Well: School Blues

2008-10-22T03:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like a failure. I have been in school for 4 years now. I did a year of junior college, then two years at Fort Valley, and a year so far at Southern Poly, and I still am not close to graduating ( 2 more years at least). I am starting to feel like what is the fuckin' point of this school shit. Maybe I decided to go back to late. Maybe I am just not the university type. I am starting to feel I am wasting both my time and money continuing on this treadmill. I feel I am running in place. Giving all my energy but still in the same place. As a high school dropout I never thought I would be in college, let alone a very celebrated Tech school learning about what I like to do, but that novelty is wearing off. I have decided to take break after this semester is over. I am now working now again (as y'all know). Although the job is not my dream job it will do for now. I haven't been doing so well academically since transferring from Fort Valley State.

I am now on academic probation, and to be honest I don't know if I can dig myself out of the ditch I am in. My future at Southern Poly is uncertain to say the least. All I can do is try my best, and pray for a miracle. As of this writing I don't have a "Plan B". I better get off my ass and make one quick, fast, and in a hurry because the semester is over Dec. 8. I need to talk to someone, but I guess I am scared. I have invested so much time into this college dream me and my family have, and now it seems it's falling apart. I don't know why I have failed some classes. I don't know why I don't give some classes my all. I have blown alot of chances, and now it seems the well has run dry. I never thought I would admit it, but I'm scared. I don't know what the future holds for me. I still dream of buying my baby that house I dream about every night, but don't know how I am going to do it. Is it too late for me?

Bad Dream: My Return Home

2008-10-22T02:05:00.000-04:00

It is 2:36 A.M. as I am writing this post. I was just awakened by one of the worst nightmares I have ever had. (In my dream)I had returned to Harrisburg, PA to see old friends and family I haven't seen in awhile. I went to visit my childhood friends "The Twins" and their family, which growing up was like my 2nd family. I walked into their home (the last one I remember them staying in) expecting to be greeted with overwhelming cheer seeing how they haven't seen me for over 6 years and all. There in the living was their oldest sister, their grandma (who we all called "Granny"), and their youngest sister. At this point these are the only people I see in the house and the mood is creepy.

The shades were drawn completely shut, and the TV was on mute. The three ladies were positioned in the room as if they were expecting me. I walked in the room excited and let out a "wassup y'all!!! I'm back!" I remember all 3 looked at me with such a cold emotionless stare that it really scared me. Granny then looks at me and says "Give me that coca cola on the table Shawn." I can't believe this... this is my 2nd family who I haven't seen since I left Harrisburg more than 6 years ago, and they are not even responding to my presence. As I am reaching for the Cola bottle the youngest sister comes from behind me and grabs me pinning my arms behind my back. I then hear the other two ladies say to me "We decided how you should die you sick faggot!" That's when I hear a tidal wave of other family members come from the basement including the twins, their older brother "Pimp", their younger brother, and a slew of their cousins, uncles, and aunts I grew up with. They all begin beating and stabbing me, and as they are doing so they are saying the most horrific things I have ever heard. I don't remember all of them but I do remember twins saying something like "We know what you did to him you faggot" as they are stabbing me as ferociously as they can.

The weird thing is that there is no blood at all in this dream, in fact I don't even remember it hurting (can you feel pain in a dream?). I just remember being scared, and thinking to myself this can't be happening. After awhile I managed to escape the torture and was somehow zapped into a police station. The cops told me and my family we have to go into witness protection because the twins and family were looking for me and they are a HUGE family. So I then zapped into a movie theatre and I buy a cookie at the concession. Somehow me buying that cookie led the twins and family to my new house. I was sitting there with my mom when they all came crashing threw my crib like the zombies in the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video. As they are all slowly closing in for the kill, Granny (leader of the pack) emerges and said "this is what you get when you touch my family" and right before she deals the death blow I wake up.

So here I am writing about it before I forget the details. Please forgive any spelling and grammar errors. It's late and my nerves are totally on edge. I can't believe the nightmare I just had. I am going to try to get back to sleep, but I don't see that happening. I am so disturbed right now.

Real Music: Ledisi "Take Time"

2008-10-16T19:49:00.000-04:00

Week of Detox Broken!

2008-10-13T18:51:00.000-04:00

Well people I did it... I made it one week. I tried going for two, but I got my fleshlight in the mail. That damn thing is amazing. It feels like you are really inside someone. I played with mine for about 30 minutes before a week's worth of juice came erupting out of me. I can't remember when the last time I had such an intense orgasm, and the thickness of the cum was very very surprising. I will try to hold off from using it again until Friday, but I can't make any promises (LOL). I will of course keep y'all posted.

Let's Talk About It: Relationship Edition

2008-10-09T19:28:00.000-04:00

I recently received an email I would like to share with y'all. I will post my thoughts on the topic after the passage (which is in red).

Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?

Is Your Relationship Worth Saving It's never easy to put your relationship under a microscope but at some point you have to. You have to be realistic about the pros and cons of staying in or getting out .

It's never easy to put your relationship under a microscope but at some point you have to. You have to be realistic about the pros and cons of staying in or getting out. Think about these three steps and answer honestly.

Step one, Do you feel that the relationship makes you a better person than when you are single? If you can honestly say that you are a happier person with your current relationship and that you have a brighter outlook on things then that is a good sign. You always want to be in a relationship that compliments your own personality. If on the other hand you find that you are constantly second guessing yourself and you notice your friends don't want to be around you as much then you may want to get out. You can't be truly happy if you can't share your relationship with the other people you care about.

Step two, Do you look forward to the time you spend with your mate? If you are eager to see your mate and you can't wait to talk to them, then you are doing really well. Wanting to be around each other is a major thing to keep any relationship alive. But if you dread the thought of seeing them or if you cringe at the sound of their voice then you need to get out. If you can't stand the sound of your mate's voice then you can't want to be around them much.

Step three, Can you see yourself with this person through the good times and the bad? If you can make it through say the death of a close family member and they are supportive and caring, you got a winner. You want to have your mate there for moral support and so you know you aren't alone. If on the other hand they tell you to suck it up or that's life, you need to move on and find someone who will be there for you emotionally. Your mate should always be the shoulder that you cry on when you need to cry.

Just because you may hit some bumps in the road and things might not always look so rosy doesn't automatically mean that you won't work it out. As long as you are realistic with yourself and your mate, you will be able to work on making things better between you. If you can rationally weigh the good and the bad in your relationship and find that the good far surpasses the bad, then you will be able to save your relationship with a little work and understanding.

My Thoughts on this.

I commonly hear people (especially gay men) say they want to be in a relationship, or that they they are looking for love. The thing that bugs me about this is that they say they want love, but it doesn't seem like they are willing to put in the work to obtain and keep it. To me it's the same thing as saying you want to be rich, but yet not doing any work to make it happen. Unlike with money, love doesn't have a lottery. Sites like M4N, or A4A are not like playing powerball at your local 7-11. In fact you are more likely to win the lottery than to find true love on those sites. Love is hard work! There are no short cuts, magic potions, or universal "How-To" guides that you can reference to. Think of being in a relationship as if you are a doctor or lawyer. In those professions you never stop obtaining knowledge or educating yourself. That's why they are called "practices". In a relationship you should never stop "practicing" becoming a better you for the sake of yourself and your partner. People grow, gather new interests, and develop new habits. That's just a fact of life. Where we fail in relationships is we usually keep our partner out of the loop. We change ourselves without involving them into the equation, and before you know it you are strangers in your own home.

There are basic elements that a relationship needs in order to survive. Just like we need air, water,food and shelter to live, relationships need communication, honesty, trust, and understanding to make it. On the surface these things seem like easy to follow common sense laws to holding any kind of relationship, but when a relationship fails it is guaranteed that one of these laws was broken and that's why it ended. The element or "law" that is broken usually right at the start of meeting someone is honesty. It is much easier to be a liar than to be truthful. Think about how many times you've met someone you like and you told them something about yourself that was a straight up lie, but you said it in hopes they would like you more. We have all done it, but the problem is if a relationship develops you can't keep up the lie forever. So when you start being who you really are, and that person realizes it doesn't match up with the person they fell for then they feel deceived and they leave(as they should). KEEP IT REAL! That's not just a slogan for the street, it should be your mantra in life. Be real with yourself and others.

The next big relationship killer...Communication. To me this is "THE BIG ONE". If honesty is the brain of a relationship, communication is no doubt the heart. Men (especially us black men) are afraid to share our feelings, our thoughts, and our opinions with our partners. I have seen so many relationships end simply because one person wasn't aware of the other one's feelings. As much as we would like to be, we are not mind readers. In my relationship I bring up everything that is on my mind, no matter how uncomfortable the topic. It may be undesirable, but it is vital to talk about key important issues. Try creating hypothetical situations to see how your partner feels about that particular issue. Not to long ago I created a "Is It Cool" sheet for my partner to answer. On this list I created some pretty outrageous hypothetical scenarios, but all of them grounded in reality. As I mentioned before we as humans are constantly changing and still being the young man that I am I take into consideration that I am changing at a much faster rate than my partner, who is pretty done with the major changes he will go through in his life.

The point I am trying to drive home is that relationships are hard work. You not only have yourself to consider, but another person as well. Sometimes there are going to be personality clashes. The things you have to ask yourself is if they are worth the work it takes. Are you getting what you need from the relationship? Are all the "laws" being followed? Is the good far outweighing the bad? Do you honestly love them? Can you picture your life without them? If you can answer these questions in a positive way then you got a winning relationship. For those of you not in a relationship, just remember the laws and know what you are truly looking for. Be prepared for the work it takes to obtain and maintain a healthy relationship, and you should be fine.

Much Love

2008-10-09T18:59:00.000-04:00

I have received alot of great responses to my previous blog entry about my self image. It touched me that folks not only read what I had to say, but they get something out of it as well. I have to send a special shot out to Thegayte-keeper and Mr. LTM (The world famous Thickkboy). I really appreciate the comments you guys left, and your words did help me with this "battle of self image" I continue to fight. To everyone else that reads my blog I would like to say thank you. I write from the heart and it makes me proud if someone can take something away from what I write. Whether it be insightful, or just a good quick laugh, I thank you all for reading. I will continue to right for as long as I have something to say and I NEVER run out of stuff to say :)

My Fight with Myself vol.1: My Body

2008-10-07T15:14:00.000-04:00

After having a long day of school, work around the home, and just overall mental exhaustion I could not wait to wash it off in the shower. After about 15 minutes I got out and started drying myself off. I walked by the mirror and caught a glimpse of myself out the corner of my eye. " Good Lord!" I said out loud (referring to my stomach) where did all that come from. I then looked at my face - I could use a lipo face lift then I looked at my ass- I recall it use to be much firmer I then look at my dick - well it's still top 5 material so that's a plus. I began an assault on myself about how I thought I looked versus how I thought I should look. This is crazy...men aren't supposed to be obsessed with their appearance like this. Of course we all have things about ourselves we don't like, but sometimes I take it a step to far. There was a time when I was going to the gym twice a day 5 days week. It was doing wonders on my body though. I had my chest on point, tummy was nice and flat. All was good except one thing. It became an addiction. Alienating loved ones, obsessing over what I ate, spending a crazy amount of money on supplements, pills, powders, and magic potions did not make me happy.

I didn't have a problem with body image until I became comfortable being gay. When I was exclusively dealing with females I didn't give a second thought about dieting, exercising, and things like that. I figured as long as my dick remains big I'm cool. Even when I finally decided to be myself and deal with men (at first) I didn't have an issue with my body. The muscle boys, although nice to look at, never did anything for me so I knew that's not the type I was trying to attract. It wasn't until I was called "fat" for the first time by some dude I turned down that I began obsessing. Now that door is open and my mind won't allow me to close it no matter how much I diet or exercise. Now I often fantasize about getting cosmetic surgery. I watch shows like extreme makeover or doctor 90210, and think to myself "If I could afford it I would do it". Larry gets upset that I feel this way. He loves just the way I am. In fact when I was working out like crazy he had mixed feelings about the results. On one hand he said it looked OK, but he didn't like holding me as much because my body was too hard, lol.

It's no secret that we as a society base our opinion of people based on their appearance. There is more pressure than ever for both men and women to look like a model. The media maybe be partly at fault when it comes to how people think they are supposed to look. Majority of magazine covers (such as Men's Health) and billboards (like Calvin Klein) give the perception of the ideal and desired man as one who is perfectly fit. Personally I don't know to many people that look like those guys. I offer wonder if those guys are the ideal archetype of what a man is supposed to look like, then why are the lonely and looking for "love" on the web like the rest of us "less desirables"?

I often beat myself up, and call myself fat. I make comments to Larry saying I understand if he wants to leave me for Pierre (my imaginary arch enemy ) because he has a world class body, super firm booty, and is a cover boy. That often results in a tough love slap on the bottom followed by a hug and a kiss and re-conformation that I am fine just the way I am. I do watch what I eat, I do exercise, and I am health conscious. I just realize now that I will never have that "cover boy" body no matter how hard I work at. God just didn't build me to look like that I guess. I just have to face that fact and move on. Both my parents are plus size, so I guess that's another reason I am hard on myself and obsess. I don't want to approach the 250 ILB mark.

I use to think all brothas were supposed to look like this. I have to admit the dude is fine, but as I said before I don't know too many people in real life that look like this.

This is me. Mr. SJB. not exactly the same thing I know, but it's who I am. You know what... I am alright with that. I am discovering that as long as you are honest with yourself and who you are, people will accept you and love you for just that.

The Mature Gay Man

2008-10-06T14:30:00.000-04:00

Last week I posted an entry about my admiration of older black men. Since then I have received a few messages from guys my age saying they too like older men, which is cool but some of the reasons they gave kinda got under my skin. Alot of folks my age that DO like older often see them as nothing more than a novelty. Something they can say they did just for kicks. Run and tell their "gurlfriendz" they had some old man dick or ass. Often they will never be seen in public with an older man because they will be embarrassed for whatever reason. Another reason I heard is that older men know how to "take care" of younger men, take care is subtle code for "Sugar Daddy". This really set me off. As I said in my earlier entry I have NEVER been dependent on my partner for any material gain. It's actually the opposite in my situation. If I have a dollar, Larry gets 75 cents, and that's just the way it's always been with us.

The mentality of the new generation of gay men have pretty much forced mature gay men to "step they game up". Majority of the men that go to the gym now are over the age of 35. The rare occasion that I do go to a night club nowadays I see ALOT of older men, sometimes more so than guys my age. Sites such as a4a, and m4n are flooded with guys 35 and over. It makes me think what would I have to do when I am Larry's age to find companionship. It breaks my heart when I see that 50 year old man sitting at the bar in the club trying to pickup on the young twenty something guys not knowing they are laughing at his ass when he turns his back. Or when I see 50+ year old guys on a4a, or m4n resorting to showing their dick or ass to get a hit (message) from some lowlife, or they have to pay extra to get into some sex party just to be touched. This is the definition of pathetic.

I was reading the blog of one my favorite gay columnist Ramon Johnson. Below I have cut and pasted an entry he wrote about mature gay men that I found very interesting. Keep this conversation going, let me know what you think. Leave your comments.

Mature Gay Men

Older Gay Men

By Ramon Johnson, About.com

Over time, the age of desirability for gay men seems to get younger and younger. The age discrimination and lack of attention older or mature gay men receive is synonymous to the pressure some women feel to get married or have children by a certain age.

Today, gay men are coming out at younger ages. It's no longer a shock to hear of an openly gay 14-year-old or a 16-year-old in a gay relationship. Even gay bars see floods of 18-21 year old gay boys seeking love and sex from their peers, leaving older gay men on the side lines. The recent attention and broader acceptance of gay marriage has also contributed to increased pressure for gay men to find love "before it's too late" or "while they are still desirable."

Of course, this doesn't make mature gay men charity cases, it only increases the pressure as aging gay men begin to think about their futures. Some gay men also argue that other gays continue to search for the "fountain of youth" with plastic surgery, eating disorders, excessive gym hours and am obsession with body image.

According to the Affirmations Lesbian and Gay Community Center:

Nearly 20% of gay seniors have no one to care for them should they become ill, vs. 2% for heterosexual seniors.

2/3 of gay seniors live alone vs. 1/3 of heterosexual seniors.

To combat these growing statistics, many gay community centers are launching programs and social groups for older gay men

Detox: Day 2

2008-10-06T10:56:00.000-04:00

On day 2 I had one of the many tests of will power I will have during my detox. I had a lovely evening with the mister today. We went out to eat, and then just cruised the city streets riding around with no particular destination. We made a few pit stops along the way. We went to Outright Books, which believe it or not I had never been to before. We then stopped at a couple of adult stores and checked out some of the toys there. I finally got my hands on one of those "fleshlight" things. I have to admit the material feels good, so I went ahead and ordered one online when I got home later in the evening.

We end up getting back home around 10 or so. We laid there for awhile cuddling and of course my dick got hard. It was so tempting to have sex at that moment, and he knew it too. Long story short we found a way he can be satisfied without me having to actually have to ejaculate. It was my first test and I passed, but the night turned out to be very long and difficult for me. I was so horny I didn't know what to do with myself. By this time the mister was long sleep, there is nothing on TV, and I don't feel like blogging/reading. I end up watching some xtube clips to see if I can further test myself. Of all the nights xtube actually had some very hot clips, why all of a sudden they were there tonight? My dick stayed hard for about two hours, so to combat that I made myself an ice pack and let it rest on top of that area. It did the trick, and I was able to concentrate on other things. I started a load of clothes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the floor, watched a DVD, and did a little studying for a quiz I have tomorrow.

I didn't finally fall asleep until 5 a.m this morning. I had made it through another day, and to be honest I believe now that this will get easier. I will let y'all know how tonight goes. Wish me well :-)

My Name Revealed: Part Two

2008-10-05T10:46:00.000-04:00

SJB.... What does it stand for?

Today's letter is J. I could not find a meaning for my middle name anywhere on the internet. Maybe y'all can help me find it's origin.

Dating Nightmare Part One: The Booty Blackmailer

2008-10-04T18:08:00.000-04:00

So there I was back in 2002. The new kid on the block in ATL. Small city boi "coming out" of his shell in the blackest, gayest city on earth. I was loving it at first. Going to the club and having all eyes on me. Being hit on by some of the finest men I have ever seen did something to my ego, and I must admit I got sucked in. While cruising ebonymale one day (remember that site?) I started chatting with this dude. He seemed very cool online. His screen name wasn't sexual, he was a mature 37 year old, and when I told him I am new to Atlanta he offered to show me around. All I new about ATL at this point was one way to get to downtown from my house in Stone Mountain. I had no car, and I didn't want to ask my father to borrow his to go meet some dude I don't know, or even know what he looks like. When I think about the stupid shit I used to do when I first came to this city I want to slap myself and say what the fuck was I thinkin' I could have been put into a bad situation so many times. It's only by the grace of God that I am not hurt, or dead by some online murderer's hands. All my "dates" up to this point had gone relatively well. There were some guys that I didn't hit it off with on the physical side, but still enjoyed their company. That streak was about to come to an end with Mr. ebonymale.com guy.

So after chatting with the guy for most of the day we finally decided to exchange numbers. We talked for a good while on the phone, and by the end of the conversation I must admit I was curious to meet him. He had such a sexy voice, and the way he spoke really turned me on something serious. There was one major problem though... we were both Tops. Now I WAS (and yes that's past tense, more on that later) one of those tops that really enjoyed being with other tops, or masc vers guys. I told him this, and he agreed and said he was the same type. Now to me that meant we can do the do as long as the other is aware no ass pokin' will be happening. I guess he didn't get that memo.

He offered to pick me up and I agreed. I was nervous as hell. Here I am giving my address to a guy I have never even seen before, but hell I was young and horny so fuck it, right? About a hour later he calls me and says "Hey sexy, I am outside. Are you ready?" I said "yes, I'll be right out", and hung up the phone. I took a deep breath and proceeded to do the march of doom down my walkway. I looked through the window before I got in the car to see if the person was as sexy as the voice... he wasn't. Don't get me wrong he wasn't ugly, not at all. He just wasn't what I was expecting the person with that late night jazz DJ voice to look like. I open the passenger door and greeted him with a hand shake. He looked me up and down and then cracked a big ol' cool aid smile. I don't know why that creeped me out, but it did. I decided to just ignore it and try to relax. He asked me where did I want to go. I said I don't know the city that well at all really so wherever he chose is cool with me. We then drive around the city for awhile. He showed me various hotspots including some nice restaurants, clubs, music halls, etc. It was gettin' late in the evening and the sun started going down. We walk back to the car and I do the ol "It's getting late. maybe we should call it a night" trick. He then countered with the "I wanted to show you my place, we are just a few minutes away" trick. I felt he was nice, and he did come across town to pick me up and show me around so I owe it him. We drove back to his place. I felt a little uneasy, but I noticed we were near alot of public places so if he gets stupid I can run for help very quickly.

We sat down on his couch started some small talk that passed by maybe 3 minutes of time. We then sat there and had that uncomfortable silence thing going on which I hate. I should have took that as a sign that this shouldn't happen, but again.. I'm horny so fuck it, right? Well I broke the silence by asking him can I use his bathroom. While in the bathroom I was thinking "damn, I just want to nutt and get the fuck back to da crib". I took a piss and went back to my post on the couch. Mr. ebonymale.com guy then looked at me and said "So wassup sexy?..." while simultaneously runnig his hand up my thigh towards my dick. "About damn time" I said to myself as I am getting increasingly harder. We then began the process of sex. Yes... I did say "process" because with guys like this that's exactly what it is. I remember thinking to myself "damn, he has a small dick" which for me is a turn off. If I'm going to stick something in my mouth it gotta have some weight on it. Well anyway, I proceeded with exploring his body. He sure did smell good. I removed his shirt and was pleasantly surprised that his body looked great. He was hairy which at the time I didn't like but he rocked it well. We continue the whole foreplay thing for a good little while. You know .bumpin', grindin', kissin', suckin', all that ood stuff.

Well at this point I haven't even taken off my boxers. I can tell he wasn't into suckin' dick, and he already knew he wasn't going to fuck me so I figured what's the point of taking them off. I pulll my dick through the pee hole of my boxers and began jackin' off signaling that I am ready to end this episode. He rubs his hands across my ass while he was jackin his small dick. I didn't mind that. As far as I was concerned he can rub it all day, but that's about it. Well he then says to me in a low sexy voice " God damn you got a nice phat ass, can I see it baby?" I didn't want to, but I went against my better judgement and took my boxers off for him so he can get his rub on. Why did I do that.... that's when the trouble began. He took one look at all the Duncan Hines cake I'm storing back there and lost his mind. "Oh my fuckin' God nigga, you didn't tell me it was like that, I can't let you leave here without me fuckin that shit" he said. WHAT?!!! This nigga is trippin' something serious. I gave a forced smile/giggle and said hell naw dude, jack that dick and bust your nutt so you can take me home. He stop jackin and gave me a very serious hard stare, as if I just disrespected him. "So you mean you ain't gonna let me fuck you?! With all that ass you got you not gonna give me none?!! After I came across the fuckin' city and picked your muhfuckin' ass up and showed you the fuckin town?!!!" he said getting angrier with each question. At this point my dick is not only soft, but it's curled in on itself like a turtle tucking into its shell. I prepare myself mentally that I may have to defend myself phyiscally. I scan his place for something I can grab to do the job. A stick, a knife, a picture frame, something I could use in case I need to.

"Yo dude why you trippin, I told you I'm a top and you said you cool with that" I said in a calm voice. He replied by saying I should still let him fuck me since he showed me a nice evening and came all the way to Stone Mountain to get me. I told him no and got dressed. I then sat on the couch and waited for him to get dressed so he could take me home. He went into his bedroom and stayed there for a good while. I thought he was getting dressed so he could take me home. Remember at this time I am new to the city so I don't even know where the fuck I am. He then returns to the living room wearing only a rob. "You still here nigga?" he asked me. What did he mean am I still here, where would I go, I'm thinking he is about to take me home. "Yea, I'm waiting for you to drop me back off at the crib" I said. "I ain't takin your ass no muhfuckin where, get yo ass out my house man!" WHOAAAAA!!! What?!!! Is this nigga serious? Did I hear him right? Naw, I must be dreamin' this shit. So because I didn't give him what he wanted he's gonna kick me to the curb...literally? Oh man, is this how the brothas in ATL behave? I didn't understand why he was acting like this towards me. Especially since he already knew I wasn't into getting fucked before he came and got me.

I swallowed my pride got up off his couch and let myself out his crib. I am mad as hell at this point. All types of evil thoughts are flooding into my head. Should I break the windows to his car? Should I set his place on fire? Should I find me a bat and go back in there and bash his brains in? I couldn't believe this is going down. I am walking down a dark street and I don't know where the fuck I am. I refused to call my dad for help. What would I say to him..."hey dad, can you come pick me up? I didn't prostitute myself to this guy so he refused to bring me home". After walking about half a mile I ran into the main road. There I saw some familiar sights. A waffle house, a sprint store, a McDonalds, I was safe now. Now it's time to find out exactly where I was. I walked into the waffle house and ask the waiter what bus would take me to Stone Mountain. She said no bus will, and I I would have to take the south train downtown and transfer to the east train to get home. I had never taken Marta up to this point. I was a virgin to the whole transit system. I asked her where is the closest MARTA station and she pointed up the street and said it's about 4 block away. I walked up to the station and ask the attending officer how do I get home. This is so embarrassing. I can't believe how this evening has turned out. Nothing like this has even come close to happening to me before. The officer asked me do I know where I am, and I said no. He said you are at Brookhaven Marta Station, near the end of the NE Line. He told me the same thing the waiter did. That I would need to transfer after reaching 5 points station downtown. He advised me to get off at Kensington Marta station because that's the closest station to my house. Then I would have to take bus #121, get off as close to my street as possible and walk the rest of the way. He informed me at that time of night (around 10pm) that Marta is running much slower than it was at 5 p.m., and I should expect to get home by midnight.

I got on the train, and on the way home I just couldn't shake this off. How did I let this happen to me? What is my father going to think of me? How many other people has ebonymale.com guy done this to? As I am trying to answer these questions I realize I am back in my neightborhood. I had made it home! I walked about a mile from the bus stop to my house in the dark. By the grace of God I made it back home safely. I was still angry at the whole situation. This nigga actually tried to blackmail me into giving him the cake. Now that I'm older and wiser I look at it and take it as a compliment. My ass brought the child out of him, lol. He didn't get what he wanted and threw a tantrum. Since then I have seen him on various other sites, posing as a gentlemen. I just hope no one else has been put in the situation I was put in. I was so upset I considered swearing off men. This put me on the side of the men that say "ATL niggas and shit", but thankfully about 8 months later I would met a man that would restore my faith that good men do exist, and sometimes they appear when you are not even looking...

The Male Mind & Body Connection: Vol.1

2008-10-04T15:33:00.000-04:00

The mister and I were having a conversation over dinner that lead to many other interesting conversations. One those conversations was about an article I was reading from a Yahoo group I belong to. The topic of the article was how the male body during sex is not a victim of the mind, but rather it is a trained response to pleasure. What this means is such disorders as premature ejaculation are not mental, but physical. If your body is use to having an orgasm after feeling a certain sensation after a certain length of time then that is what it's going to do all the time.This got me to think about my situation in a new light. Let me explain.

Since I have been dealing with men, I have NEVER been able to cum by having intercourse. The only one that has been able to make me cum by oral sex is my dude, and even that took years to accomplish. I have had some of the best ass Atlanta has to offer. I have been with guys that can literally take my dick all night long and I still wouldn't cum. This may seem like a dream situation for most men, but trust me it's not. I never have experienced full pleasure from anal sex with a man. Well, I take that back... years ago I did something stupid and had unprotected sex with a dude (who I know very well now) and without the condom the ass felt so good I only lasted about 10 minutes before I was pulling out and painting the walls with my juice. But since I don't have unprotected sex anymore that sesation is just a memory.

According to this article I have been reading I have the opposite of premature ejaculation which is known as DELAYED ejaculation. After reading I come to realize I am at fault for this condition. I have been doing some research and what I found out is very interesting. According to the Medical Encyclopedia:

Delayed ejaculation is a medical condition in which a male is unable to ejaculate, either during intercourse or with manual stimulation in the presence of a partner. Ejaculation is the action in which semen is release from the penis.

Causes

Most men ejaculate within 2 to 4 minutes after onset of active thrusting in intercourse. Men with delayed ejaculation may be entirely unable to ejaculate in some circumstances (for example, during intercourse), or may only be able to ejaculate with great effort and after prolonged intercourse (for example 30 to 45 minutes).

The most common causes for delayed ejaculation are psychological. Common psychological causes include:

A strict religious background causing the person to view sex as sinful
Lack of attraction for a partner
Conditioning caused by unique or atypical masturbation patterns
Traumatic events (such as being discovered in masturbation or illicit sex, or learning one's partner is having an affair)

Some factors, such as anger toward the partner, may be involved.

Other causes:

Certain drugs (such as prozac, mellaril, and guanethidine)
Neurological disease such as strokes or nerve damage to the spinal cord or back

Exams and Tests

Stimulation of the penis with a vibrator or other stimulatory device may determine if an underlying physical (often neurological) problem exists. A neurological examination may uncover other nerve problems associated with delayed ejaculation.

Treatment

If the man has never ejaculated through any form of stimulation (such as wet dreams, masturbation, or intercourse), a urologist should be consulted to determine if there is a congenital or physical cause.

If, however, he is able to ejaculate in a reasonable period of time by some form of stimulation, he should seek sex therapy from a therapist specializing in ejaculatory problems. Treatment usually includes both partners. The therapist will usually educate the couple about the fundamentals of sexual response and how to communicate and guide the partner to provide ideal stimulation, rather than trying to make a sexual response occur.

Therapy commonly involves a series of homework assignments wherein the couple, in the privacy of their home, engage in sexual activities that reduce performance pressure and focus on pleasure.

Typically, sexual intercourse will be prohibited for a limited period of time, while the couple gradually enhances their ability to enjoy ejaculation through other types of stimulation.

In cases where there is a problematic relationship or an inhibition of sexual desire between the couple, therapy to enhance the relationship and emotional intimacy may be required as a preliminary step.

Sometimes hypnosis may be a useful adjunct to therapy, particularly if a partner is not willing to participate in therapy. Self-treatment of this problem will probably be unsuccessful in most cases.

If a medication is believed to be the cause of the problem, other medication options may be discussed. (Never stop taking any medicine without first talking to your doctor.) This may be difficult in certain instances, especially when the medication is working appropriately to solve a pre-existing medical or psychological problem.

Outlook (Prognosis)

Outpatient treatment commonly requires about 12 - 18 sessions with an average success rate in the range of 70 - 80%.

A more positive outcome is associated with having a previous history of satisfying sexual experiences, a short duration of the problem, feelings of sexual desire, feelings of love toward one's sexual partner, motivation for treatment, and absence of serious psychological problems.

If medications are causing the problem, your health care provider may recommond switching or stopping the medicine (if possible). A full recovery is possible if this can be done.

Possible Complications

Marital stress, sexual dissatisfaction, inhibited sexual desire, and avoidance of sexual contact may result if the problem is not addressed and remedied.

Prevention

Healthy attitudes toward sexuality and one's own genitals helps prevent delayed ejaculation. It is also vitally important to realize that you cannot will a sexual response, just as you cannot will yourself to go to sleep or to perspire. The harder one tries to have a certain sexual response, the more it becomes inhibited.

To minimize the pressure, a man should absorb himself in the pleasure of the moment, without worrying about whether or when he will ejaculate. The partner should create a relaxed atmosphere, free of pressure, rather than create pressure with questions about whether or not ejaculation has occurred. Finally, any fears or anxieties, such as fear of pregnancy or disease, should be openly discussed.

Notice that I put one of those causes in red ink? Well that is my problem. I jack off just about everyday, even when I am not feeling well. It is something I have been doing since I was 13. At this point it's just as routine for me to do as brushing my teeth, or taking a shower. I jackoff even when I am not horny. I may jack cause I am bored, I may jack cause I am sad, I may jack when I am mad,hell it's never no rhyme in reason to it anymore. Sometimes I am not even hard when I jack, I just wave my floppy dick from side to side hoping seeing comes out. Many nights I have fallen asleep with it in my hand. When I awake in the morning I can't remember how it got there. There have been ALOT of times when me and Larry have just finished having great sex, and when he falls alseep I jack again. I think I may have a problem. I remember being a teen, and jacking off up to ten times a DAY!!!! I am not kidding. Now that I am knocking on the door of my 30's those days are long behind me. Still this feeling of not being totally sexually fulfilled (which is NOT my partner's fault at all, he is the bomb) is starting to get to me.

After consulting with some physicians I learned that this is a very simple problem to fix. Well, simple on paper anyway. The suggested solution is to simply retrain my body. A sexual detox if you will. First step is to not have sex of ANY kind for at least a week. A WEEK!!!. That means only touching my dick to piss and clean it. This is where it ALL depends on the mental. This morning was my goodbye to the pleasure of shootin' the juice for the next 7-14 days.

Step two is re-training my body on how to orgasm "properly". According to the docs, men often mastrubate at a "frantic" pace. For chronic mastrubaters like me this means that once we do have intercourse it may take forver, if at all to cum because we are not thrusting at the rate our body is use to in order to cum. So the remedy to this is that after the 1-2 weeks of no sex start mastrubating at a much slower, "relaxed" pace. A pace that emulates the way I would have regular intercourse with my partner. This is going to be VERY difricult for me. After 15 years of jackin' like a rabbit how do I "make love" to myself? Do I dim lights, throw on my Kem cd, and just go for it? This is going to be hard, but fun at the same time.

The docs also suggest that I start using quality lube. I have always been a dry jacker. When it comes to lube I can take or leave it when I am doin' myself. He suggested using real sex lube, not lotion, grease, cocoa butter, vasoline, baby oil, or any other poor man's "lube". Guess that means I will be bumming some of my dude's WET. He has a half gallon of that stuff so he's not going to mind. Another thing they suggest is to try jackin' in different positions, and not just on my back. I have never done this before. As I said earlier jackin' off for me is just something I do just cause. So I never thought about putting any serious effort into it.

Next on the rehabilitation list is learning how to control when I cum. One of the suggestions is trying different combinations of hand play. I am right handed, so I will try doing it with my left hand, with both hands, criss crossed hands, flip of the wrist, etc. They also suggested I try toys. I have to admit I have always wanted one of those fleshlight toys I see all the guys with on xtube, so this gives me a reason to shell out the money to get one. And lastly they suggest I involve my partner. Meaning (before the step to full on intercourse) I let my partner jack me off, and give him full control. This suggestion I like ALOT, lol.

Overall, although I know this is going to be a difficult process, if it gets me to where I want to be sexually then I will do what it takes. I have a supportive partner, a new job to focus on, and of course school so it''s not like I should be bored or find myself with downtime to jack. If I do find myself with nothing to do I have come up with alternatives to mastrubation. I could...

Exercise
Read
Play Video Games
Study
Blog (write)
Meditate
Go for a walk with my dude

Or anything else I can think of that doesn't involve me playin with myself. I feel good about this rehab thing and of course I will let y'all readers know how I'm progressing with it. Wish me well.

Day 1 begins.... NOW!

Thank The Lord: I Have A Job

2008-10-01T10:26:00.000-04:00

After weeks of filling out online forms, applications, and personality test I am proud to announce your boi got a Job!!!

IBM called me this morning and said I was by far the best candidate and they would like me to start next week. I just have to go through the usual stuff like background check, drug test, etc...
Like I said in an earlier post I believe this job is right up my alley, and it is everything I asked for. It's a part-time job in my field that pays well and is right near my school so I can go to class after. I think I'm gonna celebrate.... I hopefully will have two reasons to celebrate after tonight. I take my biology exam tonight. I need to get an A on this thing. I plan to do just that.

Wish me well.

My Country of Older Men

2008-09-29T20:36:00.000-04:00

As far back as I can remember I have been attracted to older men. I remember being a child and watching Spencer for Hire with my mother looking at Avery Brooks who played Hawk, and thinking Wow! I like him... in a different way than boys are supposed to like other boys. As I became older this attraction grew to the point of only older men could hold my interest. I have told this to some of my friends (who are older of course) and they said that it more than likely stems from a lack of a father figure as a child, so my attraction for older can really be my need for a "Daddy". I did grow up without my father. I didn't establish a bond with him until I was already grown, so it may be some truth to the whole Daddy theory.

I have never looked for older men to support me. I consider myself independent and would never allow myself to be a "Kept" man. I am currently in a relationship with a man that is 28 years my senior. The generation gap between us has NEVER been issue. My father does have a problem with it, but he knows it's not his place to comment on it. Don't get me wrong he does like my dude, just not Me AND my dude as an item. I understand and respect his feelings about my relationship. My father sat me down and said to me "I am ok with you being gay, but why do they have to be my age?" To answer that I told him it's just the way I have always been. Even now I have never been with anyone in my age group for anything other than a fuck. All my friends range from 36-60 years old. Another reason for this is because I am what people call an " Ol' Soul" I am 27 going on 49, and that's a compliment in my eyes. With me being the last of my mother's 4 children I have always been around that old school style upbringing.

As I am writing this blog I am thinking of all the mature men I admire. I want to share a few of them with you. I hope you enjoy. I have separated them by age group.

30's

Tupac: He would be 37 years old had he lived. Can you imagine how he would look now?

Anthony Mackie: A hot up and coming actor that will portray 2pac in the upcoming movie "Notorious"

Chiwetel Ejiofor: This man is so hot. He is a London born actor that can be seen in films like "Inside Man" and "American Gangster"

Idris Elba: Super Fine! I have been stalking... I mean I been "a fan" of his since season one of "The Wire"

40's

Michael Jordan: The Definition of Swagger. He set the standard for athletes becoming a brand.

James Todd aka L.L. Cool J: What can be said about this man that hasn't been said already...

Lenny Kravitz: Style personified... Lenny gave black folks something they haven't since Jimi Hendrix... a Rock God!

Wesley Snipes: This man single handily brought the dark skin brotha in high demand. Super Fine status

Djimon Hounsou: Ever since this African God shook his ass in Janet Jackson's "Love will never do" video I was hooked... He only continues to get better!

Barack Obama: The Great Black Hope. Has already made history, and if there is a god will continue on his path of destiny

50's

Mario Van Peebles: Butter Pecan Goodness. I can't believe he's in his 50's now.

Lavar Burton: Another reason I knew I was gay as a kid? I use to get a hard on watching "Reading Rainbow" and seeing Lavar wear those nut hugging jeans. Damn! even at 51 he is gorgeous

Denzel Washington: Nuff Said!

Samuel L. Jackson: The baddest man in the history of film. At 59 years young he still amazes me

"The Mister": This man makes me so,so...so,so,so,...so,so,so (Say Yes! by Floetry). The Mister is the One I would die for, but more importantly the one I live for.

60's

Issac Hayes: Gone far to soon. You are missed by yours and mine generations. Black Moses will live forever

Herbie Hancock: Sophisticated, Suave, Smooth. Legendary Pianist, and at 69 looks great!

Ben Vereen: The reason I wanted to be Webster as a child... You are awesome!

Avery Brooks: Absolutely magneted, mesmerizing, and hypnotic. As I said before watching him as a kid with my mother I knew something was different about me. Thanks Mr. Brooks

Richard Roundtree: The Original, The One, The King of Cool. He is the Archetype the sexy black man.

Julius "Dr. J" Erving: I see old photos of him from the 70's... I had no idea he would age so well.

70's

Quincy Jones: Set the bar for black musicians/producers, and in my opinion still hasn't been reached by anyone living today. He made Michael Jackson a phenomenon

Melvin Van Peebles: I can imagine him running threw woman like crazy in his day. at 76 years old he still has so much style. maybe even more so than his son Mario.

The Big Reveal- Vol.1: My Name

2008-09-29T17:53:00.000-04:00

SJB.... What does it stand for?

After 15 post I think I will SLOWLY reveal what my initials stand for. By the name in the address bar above it should be obvious what the B stands for. So I will reveal the first two letters in a dramatic fashion, because that just the kind of guy I am :-)

Today's letter is S.

I share the same first name as these gentlemen pictured below. My name can be spelled three different ways as demonstrated by the way these fine men spell there versions of my name. My name is a derivative of John. The name "John" originates from the Hebrew יוחנן Yôḥānnān, which means "Yahweh is gracious" or "God is gracious".

Headache Just About Over

2008-09-29T17:22:00.000-04:00

As I stated in a past post I have been without a job since the end of summer. I have since been living off my savings and my school refund check. I bumped my head and went and bought a $900 flat panel TV a couple of months because to be honest the TV is worth much more than that, and that price was a steal. I bought it with the thought that I will be working again within two weeks like I always do. Well getting a part-time good paying job is not as easy as I thought it would be. In fact finding full-time work seems to be easier. The whole job searching process is fucked up now. No one takes application by hand anymore. You now have to submit your resume along with thousands of other folks that saw that same online ad, and get lost in the shuffle.

Earlier this year my boy was blessed enough to get the best job in his life. How did he get it? Because he knows much of the staff there personally and was able to get seen by the bosses who liked him and gave him the job, even though that job was a job for current employees. This proves what I have always known... It's not what you know, it's WHO you know. He is doing really well at this new position, and I tell him everyday how proud of him I am. It has been a real headache getting ourselves in a position where we can stop trying to squeeze dollars out of nickels, but I believe God has a plan and although I don't understand it I still follow it.

My situation is also getting brighter. This morning I had a interview/walkthrough with IBM. The job that they want me for is one I am familiar with already, and I am more the comfortable and confident doing. It seems to be everything I pray for. Nice easy-going staff, nice pay, nice hours that don't interfer with my school, everything seems right. After the long walkthrough process I was asked do I feel this job is the right fit for me? I gave them an enthusiastic yes and said I am ready. They informed me there are two other people that will do what I have done today and they will be calling me. All in all I feel good. There might be a christmas after all :-)

Taste

2008-09-28T21:18:00.000-04:00

I was playing around with the mister this evening, and by playing I mean, well... use your imagination. Anyway, while playing around it acquired to me I really love the activity, but does (the pic to the left) actually have a taste? I have done it a million times by now. I have applied several food flavors to it including chocolate, strawberry, honey, pineapple, vanilla ice cream, hell even cool mint toothpaste so it can get those hard to reach areas.

Even after trying it in all those flavors there is nothing that comes close to having it in its raw form. Again I want to investigate why this is. After all it technically doesn't have a taste or flavor. So why are people quick to put it in their mouths, and say it taste so good (at least that's what I have been told). Same goes for the backyard (or for my female readers: The baby dispenser) That doesn't have a taste either I would imagine. When I was exclusively dealing with females I NEVER went down there. I always thought it would be like tasting an thawed out fish stick so why would I do that nasty shit?!

I am asking for y'all opinion. For those of you that practice oral sex. Why do you do it? The taste? The feel of a specific organ in your mouth? I must know :-)

Definition of a Freak

2008-09-28T13:33:00.000-04:00

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone refer to themselves as a freak, or say let's freak, or are you a freak? What the hell does that even mean? Does it mean do I like to have sex? Do I like to pull a R.Kelly and shoot pee on my partner? I guess right here and right now I need to know what constitutes a freak. What's the difference between freakin' and fuckin' and just plain sex? How do I become or (if I already am) Stop being a freak? What place does the freak hold in our society? Yes... that right... I want to be a Katie Couric type dude about this topic.

As of right now if I had to define what a freak is I would have to say it is someone who enjoys nontraditional sex. That leads to the question what is nontraditional sex? I would say it's sex that goes beyond the social norm of simply oral sex/intercourse. It may involve piss, scat, multiple partners at the same time, no condoms, ejaculation consumption, spanking, choking, physical violence, verbal abuse, etc... I recently watch a video clip of my fellow blog buddy pimusique (who is a true freak according to my current definition) peeing on one of his partners. That sort of thing I would say goes well beyond of that society defines as traditional sex. If I go by my current definition of freak, than I must admit I am a freak. I do engage in behavior with my partner that doesn't fit under society's view of traditional sex. Yet and still I feel I still haven't reached that true freak status I keep hearing about. Again I refer to my buddy pimusique. Day after day he seems to write about various encounters and they are real eye openers. If there was an freak award he would have to be a nominee if not the winner. I have another online buddy that has been posting his sex videos online for years now. He is proud of the title "Freak", in fact he has it tattooed on his body.

After getting some feedback and a more thorough investigation I will let y'all know if I am truly a freak.

Real Music: Kem "I Can't Stop Loving You"

2008-09-28T13:13:00.000-04:00

This is my baby! I am slowly dying awaiting Album III. Come back to me Kem.

Enjoy the show!

The Queen

2008-09-28T12:51:00.000-04:00

I have been a Jill Scott fan since day one. Back before the media dubbed her sound "neo soul". I have watched her go from being a shy background singer/ ghost writer, to a world class act that has reached legendary status. I feel she is by far the most talented female artist working today, and she keeps my faith in music. With the radio being flooded with processed music (T.Pain, Souljaboy) It does my heart well to put on some Jill Scott, or Kem, or any other REAL MUSIC ARTISTS. Enjoy the above clip of a live version of her hit song Golden. More to come soon!

This Bitch is Crazy

2008-09-28T12:31:00.000-04:00

Unlike my father I am NOT into politics. I don't even follow it, but this is just to important not to comment on. This is a scary time in America right now. Here in Georgia we can't even find gas, let alone a job. To says times are hard would be a great under statement. I am praying that our country gets back on track, but if this crazy B**** becomes VP, or god forbid PRESIDENT of the USA then it's a safe bet we are all doomed. Check out the above video, and tell me if you didn't feel yourself cringe. I couldn't listen to fully in one sitting, it took several attempts, and I agree with everything Jack Cafferty had to say.

A scene to close to home

2008-09-28T11:02:00.000-04:00

I recently to a trip to see a friend in West, GA. While there I was going threw his DVD collection and found one that caught my attention. It is called "The Reception" and I must say it is an excellent, touching movie. One scene in particular really got to me because it hit so close to home. It was like they filmed a conversation between myself and a very close friend of mine. In this scene Andrew (the one with glasses) is telling Martin how he feels about him and that he doesn't care if he is POZ, he just wants to be with him. Martin than begins to tell Andrew why this can not be. And they thing he says next about the white men he's been with really got to me. My good friend is POZ and the way the character Martin views himself is how I feel my friends sees himself as well. I am the Andrew character in our friendship/relationship. Enjoy the scene!

Friends: The Definition (part one)

2008-09-28T08:05:00.000-04:00

I was having a conversation with the Mister about him having a social outlet after he decides to leave his card club. After some wrangling he admitted that he is not satisfied with the quality of friendships that he has, and that he wants to change that aspect of his life.

According to Wikipedia friendship is

co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
sympathy and empathy,
honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
mutual understanding.

I think in today's world the word "friend" is used freely to the point of being meaningless. Think about it... if any of you have a myspace or facebook page, how many "friends" do you have? hundreds or maybe even thousands right? Now ask yourself how many of those people do you really know, how many of those folks have shown any of the traits listed in the above definition. That list of hundreds starts to get weaved out very quickly huh?! My point being is that I believe friendship is something that should be taken seriously. After all it is a relationship, more than likely just as intimate as a courtship except without the sex.

(Back to Mister) So I asked him why he wasn't happy with the quality of his friendships. His answer didn't surprise me. He could only name a couple of folks that had the traits of what he considers makes a true friend. The people he named I would have to agree are true friends to him. They have been there for him threw the storm and never left his side. Speaking with Mister made me think about my "friends" and how I really feel about them. Throughout my life, especially since relocating to Atlanta back in 2002 there have been alot of folks enter my life and exit it just as quickly. I have had alot of people here in ATL befriend me because they had an agenda. Either they get free computer work from me, or free movies, or more than likely see what I'm packin and try to get me in bed with them. Either way once they get enough of what they wanted they are gone. I guess that's why I am so cold and nonchalant with people. I have built this shield around me and no longer allow any access to my heart in anyway.

Last year I was "friends" with this guy who I thought was a true friend. He exhibited alot of those traits in the above definition. He was concerned about my well being. Made it his business to meet my friends and family. Offered advise on whatever he could. I mean it was good. I also did the same for him. He loves music like I do so I showed him where to get it, how to get it, etc... Well things went sour, and that's putting it lightly. New Years Eve 2007 I found out some stuff that just made all those good qualities he exhibited go out the window. I won't go into detail but it was dirty to say the least. He did try to redeem himself, and expressed genuine regret and sorrow for what had happened, but by that time I had reactivated the shield and became ice cold. After months of trying he finally gave up, and we no longer speak. Last time I saw him was in March. He periodically hits me up on yahoo, but he now acts like an asshole. For what I don't know and really don't care. He has since been blocked, and when I do that it's usually the last step of me forgetting someone even exist.

I was once told that eventually all relationships fail. People grow up and grow apart and that's just how it is. I don't want to believe this true. My best friends back home in Harrisburg (The twins) I thought would be my friends forever. I haven't talked to them in 5 years... not because we mad at each other, in fact I still love them. It probably was destined that our friendship will run its course and come to an end. The SJB that they knew is dead. They knew a SJB that was deep on the DL (in the closet), They knew a SJB that liked to smoke, that was a thief, a cheat, and a liar. They knew a SJB that was angry, selfish, rude, and reckless. A SJB that was down for anything to help them. He is dead and buried now. He breathed his his last breath in Grady hospital in 2004 (more on that burial in a later post).

What is cheating?

2008-09-27T11:04:00.000-04:00

A question was posed in my psych class a couple of weeks ago. The professor asked the question "Is this cheating....?" and then she gave us a real life scenario and asked it again. In the scenario my professor said she ran into an old high school friend and had lunch with him. Later she went home and had dinner with her husband. Her husband asked "how was your day?" which she replied as she always did "same ol same ol". Without going into to much detail she asked the class should she have told about the lunch. Now I should point out that there was NEVER anything of a sexual nature between her and the old friend. They were simply old high school friends. This drew a divide between the guys in the class and the girls.

I personally have asked this question to my friends years ago, but it gave me an opportunity to revisit my stants on this topic. My personal definiton of cheating is when you go outside of the rules and parameters set within that relationship. For example if you and your partner have determmined that it's ok to date other people as long as you tell them about it (and yes I know of real life couples that practice this) then it's NOT cheating. The common and more universally accepted definiton of cheating or infidelity is "any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, and is a breach of faith in an inter-personal relationship". So it's just like I said, It's based on whatever agreement was made about what's acceptable and what's not. In my relationship that lunch scenario mentioned above wouldn't be a problem, and to me it's NOT cheating. Maybe very slighty deceptive but not cheating. In a later post I will go in-depth about what a cheater is and how I have cheated myself. Stay Tuned!

My Train of Thought

2008-09-27T09:25:00.000-04:00

Those that know me say I'm crazy or "special" because of the some of the out of this world shit I come up with. Let me explain by giving you some insight on how I think. Things of ordinary convention and explanation bore me. I prefer to think there is cynical, maybe even a tad sinister undertone to most things. Call it the wicked sense of humor, or Black comedy, but I have always dealt with things, especially bad things with a since of humor. I remember when I heard a friend of mine had passed away due to a heart attack at the age of 32, I remember saying something to the affect "his mom is gonna have one too when she see's all the porn laying around his house." I knew that was a terribly inappropriate thing to say, but it is how I kept my emotions in control.

That is just a small example. The overall picture of this train of thought is that I not only think "outside the box" but I burn the box and serve the ashes in a nice drink for all to consume. I hate conformity. I hate being a sheep. In my "lifestyle" there seems to be nothing but conformity. You have to workout 5-6 times a week, have 8 inches are bigger, be a certain skin tone and body shape, go to the club every weekend, or just be a straight up sissy. FUCK THAT!!! I prefer to turn that kind of tradition on it's head. I'm gonna rock my love handles with the same smug and undeserved since of accomplishment everyone else does. I am gonna rock to heavy metal in the hood with the windows down on full volume. I'm gonna go to an museum and look at art rather than go to club and look at boys. I am gonna do all the things that aren't expected for a young, black, (well endowed), gay man to do. Not be defined by my sexuality or race.

Since I have developed this train of thought my life is getting better each day. I have come to find out that people with accept you as long as your are being truthful to who you are. I know I sound like a certain annoying campaign ad, but live above the influence. Develop your own train of thought. I promise you will be a happier person for doing so.

Over 2 Weeks Since My Last Post

2008-09-27T09:06:00.000-04:00

Damn man,

This blogging thing is kinda hard to do. I don't remember to do it that often so that's why this is my first post in over two weeks. The last 15 days quite a few things have happened, all good things I must say. I don't think I mentioned in any of my other post, but I have been without a job since the end of summer. Looking for another has been truly a pain in the ass. It has tested my patience as well as my faith in myself, God, and my country. Just when I had decided to go back to peddling smut to earn a living I get a call from a guy telling me he has seen my resume and will like to interview me. I go in this coming Monday.

I felt good about the guy and the job during the phone interview. The Mister worked for this before. He didn't have a good experience there . I won't let this discourage me though. I feel (as does he) that my experience there may be totally different then his, and I should take this chance to further my career in technology. I am excited about this. It seems to be everything I prayed about. It's part-time which I wanted, It doesn't interfere with my class hours, and the pay is fair. I will post the aftermath of my big Monday. Wish me well :)

An Unprivate Diary

2008-09-12T16:33:00.000-04:00

A good online buddy of mine recently asked me what gave me the inspiration to start blogging. My immediate answer was "boredom". This not true however. Truth be told I had wanted to be a blogger for awhile now, only thing is my life by some would be seen as pretty damn boring. After all I am just your average 27 year old black male. I work (well in between gigs at the moment), I go to school, I go to church (need to go more often though), I clean my house, I exercise, I love my partner and take care of him, etc, etc, etc.

A good time to me is chillin at home with my dude watching TV or talking about anything that comes to ours minds. I love to go to the movies, go to a good concert, visit museums, maybe have a drink or two at a lounge, and overall visiting new places and doing new things. My current income doesn't leave alot of room to travel the world, but that doesn't detour my interest and motivation to make that happen. You may agree that the things I listed above won't win me blogger of the year awards, or whatever the hell it is bloggers get for having a big reader base.

Things I would typically blog about is how I'm feeling, what my day was like, or any other random thoughts I may want to share. Some will be silly, some will be sad, so will be shocking, some will be boring (lol), but all will be what makes me who I am. Mr. SJB

Unconditional Love

2008-09-12T16:24:00.000-04:00

What is unconditional love?

This is a question that is one of interpretation, meaning that it can mean different things. To me unconditional love means just as it sounds. It is love that is based on a certain characteristic, feature, condition, or situation. It is love that is built on a foundation of unbreakable emotional devotion, something that even in the grimmest of moments is strong enough to survive. It is not ever superficial. It is not founded on the premise of material or sexual fulfillment. It is a love that truly is a matter of the heart and soul.

Do I believe it exists? Why or Why Not?

I do believe unconditional love exists when it comes to certain relationship types. An example of this is the love parents have for their children. Beyond that however I have a little doubt that it exists. I have been in a relationship for most of my adult life so far and there are times I wonder if we truly would survive a storm. We sure have put each other to the test (me testing his limits more so than often) and I believe at this point there is almost nothing he can do that would make me stop loving him. So I guess my answer would be I’m on the fence on whether or not I believe unconditional love is real. I have seen so many “relationships” end because one person gained weight, or stopped having sex, or cut their hair. These of course are conditions, and having seen more of that type of relation rather than the strong bond relationships is the thing that has me undecided.

Lost Time

2008-09-10T16:29:00.000-04:00

Since I have been without a job for about a month now something has been happening. I am at a complete lost on how to properly use my time. I go to my college classes in the evening, but that leaves me with a mass amount of time in the mornings and afternoons. Looking for a job is not like it use to be. Nowadays the only way to "hunt" is online and that feels so impersonal and counter-productive to me. But what choice do I have? I live in the "web 2.0" world so I must adapt to the new rules of job seeking.

It gets me down sometime, and it is in those moments I of course want to go lay down and sleep thru the depression. I don't want to handle my situations in that way. So starting right now I am vowing to face things head on and use my time effectively.

Wish Me the Best :-)

Day 1

2008-09-09T08:25:00.000-04:00

Wow!

I never thought I would be one of those people that "blog" on the net. I don't even know what to say or what to do. I guess it doesn't matter. If my history is any indication than no one will see my "blogs" anyway. So where do I start.... well I guess I can start with a little about me.

My name is Mr. SJB. I am currently 27 years of age, soon to be 28. My hobbies vary, you never know where my interest will be from one day to the next. I am currently a college student (more on that in later blogs). Are you still awake...? If so, good. Hopefully you are remotely interested in reading later post and slowly getting to know Mr. SJB.